What personality disorder do you have, Anon Babble?

Is that actually validating as a BPD

Only if you buy.

You want the truth? Probably not many.
I dated this guy who I genuinely love bombed and spent ~$600 on and suffocated him with love and affection and it literally drained all of his energy.
Now that the relationship is over, I see him as pretty unserious. He could never plan a date or make the first move. I use another website to stalk his Instagram because he still vents about me. He's always upset that I yelled at him for not defending me against racist comments. He says he's very shy and he has social anxiety, but I have avpd so I'm not letting that excuse slide. I've moved on to a much more accommodating and energetic boyfriend who calls me every other morning to watch me fuck myself.

Ya you're nuclear waste levels of bpdemon. I can tell by how you type.

I have schizoid personality disorder, diagnosed not self ID. This image doesn't represent my experience whatsoever.

I have traits of schizoid and schizotypal but I live in the UK so it's basically not possible to be diagnosed, if I would even benefit from that (which I'm suspicious of, these days)

Damn straight
What's your experience like, anon
Does the condition impact your life?

I have BPD, the internalized or “quiet” subtype specifically. I’ve tried going to therapy but I never last more than 3 months, I hate it. They never help anything for me, they just make it worse. I’ve honestly just resorted to planning out my suicide lol there’s no other options atp

bipolar

mostly avpd, i act like a schizoid but i do actually want to talk to people i just cant and have been rotting in a room for over a decade

I thought I had BPD for a while. But then got diagnosed with ADHD and think that probably makes more sense with the inconsistent sense of goals, self and values thing. Because I don't really have the relationship issues other than becoming paranoid that people secretly hate me.

Unmedicated ADHD

Somewhat good looking

Cis bi

My preferred type. Good to see there's more of you out there I can snatch up.
How is therapy making you WORSE? I've had some neutral or unhelpful experiences but getting worse is something I can't even fathom.
My friend is bipolar. I should call them sometime. Thank you anon
I can heavily relate to the inconsistent sense of goals and values. How do you tackle employment with these issues?

I can’t talk to them and they misinterpret what I’m trying to say and stare at me with a deadpan face. All it does is make me spiral and want to get out. Anything they suggest as a coping mechanism is something I’ve tried and they don’t even try to understand that or work through anything, and all I can think about is how I’ll never be able to communicate properly. Honestly I’m just bad at therapy I think, I’m sure it works fine for other people but for me I genuinely just get worse

idk i'm just evil i think

Never considered telehealth appointments? Not having to LOOK at my therapist was nice for awhile because I felt less judged.
Why anon

What's your experience like, anon

I find that when discussing schizoid personality or schizoid traits, people have a tendency to avoid talking about the negative aspects of it. It's often painted online as this self-sufficient and in needing above it all personality. Being spd is an extremely frustrating and guilt ridden disorder.
It's a bit difficult to explain. While I prefer being left to my devices, I still long for some kind of social interaction, but on my terms, you know? And it's very difficult to achieve such a thing when most people don't associate with you on the basis that they think you're a shitty person for no real reason. I end up feeling guilty a lot because I know my choices can sometimes hurt people, like cancelling plans and stuff, but I can't bring myself to just deal with these things.
In the comics example the first panel would be
"Hey I was gonna invite you to my party but you never come to these things anyway so I didn't bother"
The second being not having social media at all and constantly being joked at about living under a cave.
The third panel would be "I feel so goddamned lonely but I can't possibly find someone who'll give me extended time to myself", the fourth is generally correct but I do sometimes want to do things with other people. The fifth is "everything is constantly going wrong and I'll probably end up on the streets one day and die of a drug overdose, but I'm not affected enough to actually do anything about it"
And the last panel is me not even appearing at a funeral because it's too mentally taxing and then coming off as cold and heartless...
I guess the traits are somewhat correct but the responses certainly aren't.
I think what I'm trying to say is, having SPD doesn't always mean you want nobody else in your life. It can mean that you want some social interactions but on your terms, but can't because in general nobody likes you because of your other SPD traits.

I'm also diagnosed with BPD along with sundry other things. I'm on zero income because I am not capable of holding regular employment and my disability case is just now getting underway. I'm pretty scared in general and this past week predictably hasn't helped at all, but I get by.

i will get shit for naming it and told i'm lying but why not i'll play today

what disorder

DID

diagnosed?

i'm 100% sure my shrink has it in mind but i asked her not to diagnose me with anything for obvious reasons, it was clearly either this or some extreme bpd that i don't want on my medical record either way

does it impact your life?

i tried posting picrel about it once cause i thought i could make it funny but it just made people sad kek
but it's a decent list of impacts too. although i'm doing better than i was when i made that

i lie, cheat, steal, use drugs, intentionally spread misleading rumors about people around me, i screenshot all conversations i have, i have goaded people to say extremely unfavorable stuff around me so i can clip the conversation, i keep a list of all names, addresses, license plates, social security digits of people around me if i can access them and when i was a teen i got access to the phone of a person i disliked and used it to send suggestive messages and close up pictures of my dick to guys in my school to get him fag bashed. he got fag bashes.

also all of this while keeping it mostly hidden and discreet, i haven't necessarily harmed anyone except the guy who i managed to get fag bashed to perfection.

i'm a hyper paranoid, misanthropic and vindictive person

these traits hit close to home...what does a diagnosis matter anyway. do you take any meds, if you dont mind me inquiring?

"I feel so goddamned lonely but I can't possibly find someone who'll give me extended time to myself"

And the last panel is me not even appearing at a funeral because it's too mentally taxing and then coming off as cold and heartless...

All my avpd people definitely related to that. SPD sounds rough, anon. Do you feel like you tend to be more aloof or asocial nowadays? Do you still try to get out there?
But WHY do you do these things, anon
Are you afraid someone will try to get you? Are you stealing because you NEED to?
Good luck. I'm in the same situation right now. I genuinely don't understand how people maintain regular consistent employment and make an income that can be used for anything. It's a mystery.

DID

I have a friend with that diagnosis. Are you able to work? Is it harder with DID?

why are you making a thread about this?
it's not lgbt related and it's not healthy to focus on diagnoses
remember you are not your diagnoses, that you have a choice of acting on impulses and that anything bad you do to yourself or others are because you haven't learned to handle things right

i genuinely don't know why i am like this

I got (likely misdiagnosed) with BPD and my life has been shit ever since. All therapists and psychologists just give up in me when their retarded misconceptions of me fall through. I'm likely just severely depressed with some form of neurodivergence, maybe I have ocd. None of that matters though because it won't get treated. I'm a second class citizen because some whore who cheated on me called the police when I told her I was suicidal and I got kidnapped by the state.

hydroxyzine doesn't treat your panic attacks? You're just lying and attention seeking

heres seroquel and lamictal

nothings changed?

that's because you're a horrible patient who doesn't want to change

Hahahahahahahhaah

there was one time i had a reaaaally bad weekslong episode, but oddly enough the alter who was driving there was super work motivated. she just burned me out and almost made me crash and start missing work before she stopped. that episode was when i became sure it was DID.
otherwise i have parts that handle outward-facing things, and as i work on myself generally and we all get closer to just integrating properly it's smoother.
it helps to keep work life and personal life very separate. so work people don't see me outside of work, avoid seeing people from the outside at work as much as possible. for years i didn't always know why it made me so uncomfortable, but when people i knew would come into my jobs my work mask would come half off but my social persona only halfway turn on and i became a stressed awkward mess. i now recognize that as different parts of my mind trying to share the driver's seat.
one weird way it affects work is that i have to get into a particular headspace to drive. i have a part who kind of exists just to operate heavy machinery and the rest like, can drive, but they're shitty at it. luckily she is pretty easy to trigger by sitting in the literal driver's seat and adjusting my glasses or lighting a smoke.
there are less presentable sides, like a very irritable childish part or the ones that have a very male/masculine energy even though i'm mtf, or the one who holds my sexuality for me, but one nice thing about dissociative disorders that people often don't mention is that it's all to some extent defense mechanisms, and maintaining external normalcy helps a broken mind hide its trauma from itself. so the crazy or embarassing alters, as long as i don't have a psychotic break or something ig, they help keep themselves in check. they don't want to be out at the wrong time.

sorry for wall of text, i don't get to discuss this much
tbhon it's a relevant thread because this board is full of craycrays lol

Schizotypal and I don’t recommend it. I’m definitely gonna be one of the screamy ones when I grow up. I can hear god screaming, every minute of every day. No one else seems to hear, it is a subtle screaming, just beyond the veil of all but the most ineffable perceptibility. Normgroids don’t even know how bad it is. Its BADDDDDDDDDDDDD.

there's some research suggesting that societal conditions and perceptions of people with hallucinatory experiences affects the tone of the condition.
like in more spiritual societies where it's less stigmatized to experience visions and hear things, the experiences become more positive, stuff like messages of love and peace from angels.
whatever you're hearing, maybe it's responsive to how you feel about being like this. viewing it as a blessing instead of a curse might help turn it from screaming to singing, now before it's gotten too loud to focus on adjusting as easily.
obviously meds can help too but meds are rarely ever 100% of the solution with this stuff

bpd means you can't help but act that way. that's the whole disorder. you aren't responsible and never will be.

but one nice thing about dissociative disorders that people often don't mention is that it's all to some extent defense mechanisms, and maintaining external normalcy helps a broken mind hide its trauma from itself. so the crazy or embarassing alters, as long as i don't have a psychotic break or something ig, they help keep themselves in check. they don't want to be out at the wrong time.

this, and I don't even have the DID stuff, but different aspects or "modes" of mood/emotion/thought responses are very helpful when dealing with certain situations (SO threatening suicide, breaking up, relatives dying, people you can't confront starting to confront you, etc)

it's not lgbt related

very much is, there's tons of circumstances that cause various symptoms

and it's not healthy to focus on diagnoses

you're the one that is
it's very useful to discuss symptoms (whether subclinical or clinical), approaches, which ones are effective or ineffective in certain circumstances
very often mental healthcare is lacking or so difficult as to be effectively impossible, so this can serve as fallback group therapy

Yeah, perceptions can really help shape reality in a more positive light, if guided appropriately. I'm using some limited superstition to that end.

I don’t think you understand what has to happen for the screaming to stop. Its a song too, and I appreciate the divine praise of all creation, being in league with the stones of the field and such, but there’s a lot of pain and brokenness, even where there is peace. This world is just hateful, abominable.

I wonder if there is actually a disorder when you actually want to be left the fuck alone... Oh wait, it's called schizoid personality disorder!

but on my terms, you know?

Which are?

most people don't associate with you on the basis that they think you're a shitty person for no real reason

Have you taken into account that you are indeed, a shitty person?

yeah 100% this. like, those super high stress situations you describe just call for a different persona, and it comes and does its work and then splits off the emotional recollection to put in the vault.
DID, dissociative disorders, trauma disorders generally, i think the biggest thing people don't get is that aspect of like "it's all there, i'm all here, there are just some rooms with lights off and doors locked right now." then you go to work and be normal and it's easier than it should be. adhd affects my work life more than DID lol.
i think that's also why so many of us can just like, calmly recollect or make jokes about horrible things that have happened to us. when you've got partitions up and emotional memory blocked those events become like words in a book to rattle off
much better way to put what i also meant by what i said about it, good post

A psych told me im just adhd and traumatized so I dont get to be cool. If someone gives me orders or touches me aggressively I feel absolutely compelled to obey and I really only function well if a person takes care of me but its not to the point of a dependent disorder probably. Im just gonna kill myself if I cant find someone attractive who will take me. Its not a disorder

2 (you)s at once, neat
agreed with that, though my stuff's probably just regular cism emotion shutdown/muting (thanks, T) for iffier situations and leaving the emotional processing for later
always found it interesting (and ofc sad that it was needed) how DID folks have a way stronger version of that to handle some pretty horrific stuff

calmly recollect or make jokes about horrible things that have happened to us

gallows humor eh, then again my stuff's relatively easy to joke about after a few years

Oh yeah and if I get rejected or feel unwanted it can easily send me spiralling into panic or severe depression

symptoms, don't affect my life

= subclinical

affect my life

= diagnosis

which one do you think

I really only function well if a person takes care of me

and

Im just gonna kill myself if I cant find someone attractive who will take me.

are closer to
no need to get a diagnosis, but you can use the treatments (or better, have someone help) without one anyway, the important thing is that you get the help needed to live a normal enough life

smells cPTSD-y, the anxious attachment style stuff at least

Can we ship all bpdemons and sociopaths onto some island so we don't have to deal with them anymore?

i like superstition tempered by science for this. i do tarot and bone casting but because there are trillions of possible shuffles and quantum quantum. i believe in god but because i know where in the history of the universe our knowledge stops and how connected life really is at its roots. i like jesus and buddha for the teachings and i scrutinize the texts and the hateful or ignorant people who often transcribed things. i meditate but as much for the lung health and anxiety reduction as for woo woo gnosis. stuff like that feels good for getting the benefits of spirituality without going crazy from it and losing your grounding.
i feel you anon. i don't have visions like that but i am compelled to research and know everything happening in the world i live in and i am burdened by it all. too much evil has been done and keeps being done, so many people hurting everywhere every day, so many legacies of hate that keep sprouting from roots we never finish digging up, a world on fire to fuel food that kills us and wars that kill us and prop up bad city planning that isolates and kills us. people shut off from each other and the world, drifting apathetically away from solutions and awakeness and communication.
but underneath it all, there's something else. a universe that was predisposed to life. a beautiful little world covered in life giving water and ozone and yellow sunlight. a natural order that said "to survive is to eat, but to thrive you must be eusocial, you must learn love and goodness and build complexity and beauty together," a nature that turned cells into animals, animals into thinking people, and gave those people the power to love each other and shape their world and build the next stage together.
if you keep your ears on that, the screaming is just its harmony and the crescendo is towards love.

This is a cope. You are always in control of your actions and you should kill yourself for being a bpdemon. It's the more humane thing to do

Honestly I think we should live in containment ghettoes with community healthcare available.

I do have hope that it will get better but I am cognizant that its not going to get better without both human and divine intervention.

for a regular ole depressed cism you certainly have a lot of understanding with these things! not to like pat you on the back too hard just unusually based

always found it interesting (and ofc sad that it was needed) how DID folks have a way stronger version of that to handle some pretty horrific stuff

ya same, even in the thick of it it's very fascinating. i almost don't even feel sad about it as it's given me some unique strengths, and it's caused me to think a lot about the human mind which led to my career in a particular medical subfield (well student now, but hopeful career). trauma disorders almost feel like a temporary handicap that once you cure it becomes a mild superpower. i will be powerful when i finish getting to functional integration lol

gallows humor eh

it's so delightful when you get it right that i can't help but keep trying. just need to hit the joke energy on less of a bojack more of a carlin. i also have an improv background so i was trained to treat nothing as sacred with jokes kek

then again my stuff's relatively easy to joke about after a few years

also very real. time heals all wounds. we grow to like who we are and misfortunes become backstory. the archetypical dad and his talk of "character building" had somewhat of a point i suppose

agreed on that. For me I use it as post factum headcanon that would nudge me in the right direction, e.g.

X is painful today again, this is because I did the sex stuff instead of prioritizing fixing my life so I can find a partner and live an actual life

this bad thing happened because I was unfair to people, and it's Big J reminding me to be humble and decent, thank you Big J, I'm glad I remembered and now I can try again

I am now in a lot of pain because I tried to just jump to doing social normal people activities instead of first going to the doctor and properly taking care of me, now that I can. Thank you for reminding me, this Monday I'll finally make that call. And thank you for taking away some of the pain as a sign.

there but for the grace of God go I - just one little thing going wrong and it can all go downhill, so I am grateful that I'm still limping along, and things have previously gone better, and they can again, and even maybe I can be healthy again one day, and more!

and so on

for a regular ole depressed cism you certainly have a lot of understanding with these things! not to like pat you on the back too hard just unusually based

cheers, just life experiences I suppose. Not even (actively) depressed or suicidal atm, nor having had as hard of a time as so many, but with weak coping skills and increased sensitivity comes the perception of things being a bigger struggle (compared to e.g. a colleague who was in the war and had to flee, so he'd probably find my stuff child's play)

ya same, even in the thick of it it's very fascinating. i almost don't even feel sad about it as it's given me some unique strengths, and it's caused me to think a lot about the human mind which led to my career in a particular medical subfield (well student now, but hopeful career).

those are fields I'd love to do more in. Reminds me how many psychology students or professionals say "oh yeah I had this issue so I went in the industry to learn more about it and maybe help others"

trauma disorders almost feel like a temporary handicap that once you cure it becomes a mild superpower. i will be powerful when i finish getting to functional integration lol

absolutely - it's an adaptation, maladaptive at times maybe, but it can very well optimize away the negative side effects and become very useful

it's so delightful when you get it right that i can't help but keep trying. just need to hit the joke energy on less of a bojack more of a carlin.

hah yeah, with the right crowd it can really be a connecting experience in a way

i also have an improv background so i was trained to treat nothing as sacred with jokes kek

jelly. Colleague was a theater chick too and I was a bit jelly that they had that in this country. I think I might've liked it (given good people around me), since I already feel like I had to act so much irl. Then again DID has even more of that to a whole new level, eh
1/2

I'm the OP and I made this thread because yes, there are a lot of disorders in the Lgbt community. You don't have to live by your diagnosis, but having somewhere to talk about it isn't so bad. I don't get to discuss mine much outside of Anon Babble.

2/2

also very real. time heals all wounds. we grow to like who we are and misfortunes become backstory.

amen, when handled properly ofc (gotta get help from yourself or somebody sometimes when things turn to bitterness)

the archetypical dad and his talk of "character building" had somewhat of a point i suppose

definitely, and as long as it's communicated in a way that connects with the kid - for some the stoic manly dad way works, others need a more sensitive/vulnerable approach, or the same kid might respond to different things in different times of its life
but I'm glad that my life has taught me both some strength as well as some compassion, and appreciation for the time I've had with my parents, friends, SOs, nature, poverty, money, and so much more