"Delete all this, don't post it"

I'm 27, I regret every day of my life not cutting my balls off at 12.
It would have UNIRONICALLY been a better life.

Also it's only a porn fetish in the eye of the beholder. That's fine for me even I guess.

being "right to do for others/higher morality.

hence why now I just practice selfishness to the fullest extent, sacrificing yourself and essence for others is a fools errand and only erodes your true self

This is so fucking sad, I've seen that video of the guy having his friend cut his dick off with scissors. You need help please get help.

being a fool by nature implicates one's self and not their environment

le "If the fool would persist in his folly he would become wise."

Help is hrt intervention at the very start of puberty, or matching girl's puberties, for dysphoric MtFs.

When that isn't given to them, their literally best choices in life are cutting their own testicles off with a kitchen knife, or becoming one of the lost souls flirting with disappearing forever in repgen.

Face the reality of the situation.

The reality of the situation is AGP trannies don't take puberty blockers and start transition in time because they are straight normal boys up until puberty hits, and their AGP fetish emerges some time between 12-21 years of age.

Childhood transition will only be utilized by hsts mtf, as they know they want to be girls at a younger age, like boys, and are terrified of masculinizing during puberty.

I don't mean to trivialize anyone's unique life experiences, but sometimes it gets a little crazy cray delulu in here, and you have to attempt to restore sanity.

I was terrified of masculinizing before and during puberty, and my response was to become silent.

Aren't you confusing trait non-agreeableness with HSTS?

Don't people make threads saying "HSTS act like annoying catty gays?"
Isn't that because it's a personality type that doesn't care about putting oneself last that speaks up or takes action as a child?

I appreciate you trying to restore sanity to the flock.

How long will you do it for free?

I was also never a straight normal boy, except in the eyes of others, whom I acted to conform to, while loosing my own voice in the process, since it was never heard.

Just say it explicitly anon, what is my future now but to clownmode in day to day life, and only fleetingly exist as myself as a chance in dreams?

Except, both of those now, I can barely even access. Not in any way where I'm not acting.

That's deeper than the hole I've dug myself into.

finally a relatable thread. didnt start as a teenager because "oh puberty's already messed me its fine i can wait its not like it matters anymore 16 is already too late, i cant do it while i live with my parents, theyll find out theyll get mad my life would be hell, ill make everyone around me weirded out if my body starts changing and they notice, my parents will think im a huge disappointment i can just start when im away at college after 2 years of waitlists its fine its not like ill get any worse" MY LIFE FUCKING IS HELL RETARD YOU SHOULDVE JUST DONE IT I HATE YOU I HATE YOU SO FUCKING MUCH YOU RUINED ME YOU RUINED ME FOR THE COMFORT OF OTHERS ILL NEVER BE HAPPY AND ITS YOUR FAULT ILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU ILL KILL YOU ILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU FOR THIS

IN BOTH WORLDS
HELL. (not the fun kind either)

Heyyyyy
Fellow realizer at 16 that it was already over here!
I'm OP.

It's been 11 years since then, 15 years since I knew every single day explicitly in my own mind what I wanted and prayed and wished for anything desperately literally every single day. 10 years since I came out to my parents after deciding it was more ethical than getting myself killed in a way so that they wouldn't know.
8 years since starting hrt.

My mom still calls to me in the exact same voice that she calls to my dad.

This thread is relatable for a closeted fag like me (non trans just gay)

Unfortunately I can't have a comfy mental breakdown now so I will leave you girls for the time being. Have fun without me!

I appreciate it anon. I want to find solidarity, and I do, and I'm glad it's relatable... but

Both you and I have lost years from the closet, except when you choose to leave it, you won't have your body permanently ruined.

No psychotherapy or medicine can even potentially fix me, except maybe $100,000-$200,000 of plastic surgery. And even then, it won't come close to matching what would have been for $10 a month an hrt prescription.

Like, I still like and support gays and all, and if we can work together and find solidarity, sympathy, empathy, or relating to each other, believe me genuinely here, I appreciate ever ounce of it.

But, you still can have a future in a way we can't.

Immediately while posting this post my mind was assaulted with "What about children with cancer or some other thing?"

As if I'm not allowed to continue this train of feeling, even while knowing it myself that it's a mistake perfectly.

you sound just like me. it wouldve been so easy and maybe my life wouldve started in college, maybe i couldve been happy and actually focused on academics instead of the fact that im hiding in my basement apartment as my youth slips away more and more everyday, as i lament over the childhood i lost, not letting myself leave until i pass. i still dont. maybe i can get ffs, even then it wont help, my fucking giant skull, giant rib cage, giant shoulders, i would need so much money to fix me and even then i couldnt change my hands, my height, my wrists, if i passed it wouldnt matter because all it would take is for someone to know and it would be so obvious i was born a man. and i would always be an other, a third category, i cannot exist in society in a peaceful way that lets me just live like anyone else and how am i not supposed to kill myself over it? knowing theres literally nothing i can do, thats its just not in the cards for me, and that its entirely my fault.

tfw youtube ads won't stop calling me a Mason

Stay alive long enough and...

tag yourselves girls i’m gandolfini

But seriously anon, I'm sorry.

The picture you posted is great too.
"great"
aha....

HRT has been around since the 50's at least and costs literal pennies to manufacture. The only thing stopping all of us from having the lives we want is

le society

No, more like the producers.

I never saw the show, actually. (fish eyes)

first time i learned trans people existed it was through a ben shapiro video recommended to me at 14. i knew there was something really wrong with me before that with the fact i could never be happy with my body no matter how good it looked, being a girl was never an option. and even after learning about these deranged men in dressed it still wasnt. so imagine the journey to self discovery when that was my jumping off point lol.

He was trans, gary cooper?

Except I did. Idk what people are talking about when they say they "didn't get to have childhood, etc.". I did have all of that, I just struggled with my feelings all the time but that didn't stop me from going out, meeting people, playing games, finding my interests, etc. It wasn't a "cis girl" childhood by any means, but why would I be bitter about that anyway? I had my own share of unique experiences because of who I was and that's what made me into what I am now. Wishing I had a different past would also mean wishing I weren't the person I am now, and I'm not gonna hate on myself just because I'm not "normal". Fuck "being normal".

Same lol, I put 100% of myself into dreams, psychology, buddhism, magic, and wanted to do science work too to develop a way to change my body.

But when googling this stuff as a kid all I found were sadistic women exploiting AGP men and truly sad tranners mixed in, and AGP men with their fetish, and deranged fucking trannies either crab-bucketing or "ruining optics."

haha, so this is my life

I opened the bible, and found nothing.

I did all the same things anon.
And I also made the OP post.

Death to all American movies Inshallah.

Well, then you did go through childhood, adolescence, etc. You're just jealous of what is "the norm" because you can't embrace yourself. It's not a "your life" problem, it's a self-acceptance one. I accept my weird upbringing and now that I realized what I am, all that's left is working with what I have to be what I actually want to be. Regrets will just keep you bitter forever about something you can't change

all those memories were poisoned by the fact that i was shut down on any attempt to be feminine. there’s a reason my parents “weren’t surprised” when i came out. i got a long list of things they thought were weird about me as a kid and how they perfectly aligned with what i was telling them 4 years after i came to terms with the fact i was trans. all i can think about are the missed opportunities of my childhood to understand or question earlier, where i was “set on the right path” time and time again until i was the perfect sporty dudebro when i hit 14, it was cute that i wanted to wear wigs and get my nails painted when i was 3 when i hit 4 it was time to man up, no more clip on earrings, you’re gonna be playing two different sports because daddy’s son’s going to the show. i was even allowed to alternately when i wanted to explore non conventional styles at 10, my hair was already long, but after i brought that up my sister and mom realized it was time to convince me to cut it off and start basing my styles more closely with the guys from my school because they didn’t want to see me get bullied. i have all these memories of the things you’re talking about, but i also have memories of crying to my mom at night that it felt like i was living a lie and i didn’t know why

wasn’t even allowed to dress alternatively*

fuck whoops, maybe it’s bed time

Tell that to the weights put on my back.

I wouldn't have been normal if I had my singular selfish wish granted anyways, anon.

Are you coping, queer, NB, or a glowie?

Same except worse. I was the one putting on the show.

“going to the show”

will play sports professionally

I'd rather masturbate or kill myself.

I'm sorry to hear that, that must've sucked.
What are you gonna do now though? Wallow in misery forever? Are you going to feel bad about what you missed, or work on getting what you can?
I mean, I get you. I had a psychologically abusive dad and the way he raised me left me a bunch of trauma, but I can't keep playing fantasy in my head thinking "if only things had been different". Accept your past, since it's something you can't change, and work on living your best life now that we can. Embrace the suffering as something that shaped you into who you are today, and live in a way that you're happy with who you are. Regret is a totally pointless activity. It teaches you nothing of use, it brings you no peace, and it doesn't let you focus on what's actually possible.

i only wallow in it when looking forward or at where i am now gets too painful so i have to look back. passing and starting my life now could fix me, but again, not in the cards for me.

Neither. I'm binary trans (MTF). Why would I be any of those things you've listed? I'm just a person sick of hating their own past. It's never done anything good for me, and after 3 years of HRT I can say that even though I'm not completely satisfied, I'm glad to be me.

sorry, i know you’re trying…and thank you anon, it does mean a lot

We're all trying our best, so kudos to you for living despite it all. Just beware of the brainworms or anything that will just hold you back. Least you deserve is a chance at happiness

brainworms are fake there’s only reality

I don't wallow in misery forever.
I do lots of things to laugh.

But as for myself, after I actually let a laugh out, it turns into a pained one.

It was just a guess based on what you wrote is all anon.
Why are you upset?

I saw a video of a homeless man on the street with maggots eating his head out from the inside while he was still alive.

The border between reality and unreality isn't really even there anon.

Sorry, I didn't mean to come off as upset. Then again, I think I got a little upset at this thread in general, because I am upset at the part of me that got upset at the past, if that makes sense.
Sorryyyy