Ever have that moment where you realize you’ve been repeatedly doing and failing at improving in life and now...

I'm not the anon you replied to but I'll give my advice nonetheless.
I'm a cis man btw. Caps are for emphasis.

AT THE SAME TIME find out I want to be a troon after years of curiously watching a scary amount of trans & crossdressing content

From what you have posted (and specially the highlighted part) I suspect you ACQUIRED gender dysphoria from your stressful upbringing because your brain saw the IDEA of "becoming a woman" as a way to ESCAPE RESPONSIBILITY, which would make sense from a psychological standpoint since societal EXPECTATIONS for women are much lower than they for men, specially when it comes to productivity (aka study and work).
That's IMO the most likely CAUSE of your GD.

And the good news is that you DON'T NEED to transition to solve your real problem, which is FEELING STUCK in a stressful situation (living under the rule of your Tiger Mom) which is causing you depression and anxiety.

Let's break down the problem so it's easier to solve:
1) Your family comes from a culture which is HYPER COMPETITIVE and where the parents demand their children, specially their sons, to excel to ridiculous levels.
Understand that your family isn't like this because they're evil or bad. They were just RAISED THEMSELVES with a culture that was created in countries which had REASONS to promote such level of hyper competitiveness.
Many asian countries living conditions were very TOUGH for people during a very long time, and things like overpopulation or that culturally the sons WERE expected to eventually take care of their parents when they're old (usually due to the State not providing a retirement plan for old people) logically pushed asians to become way more competitive than people in other parts of the world.
The key here is: YOU'RE NOT IN ASIA RIGHT NOW. So the RULES AND EXPECTATIONS that apply are not those of the asian country your parents or grandparents came from, but the rules and expectations of the country you're living in RIGHT NOW.

(Part1)

(Part 2)
I assume you're an ADULT MAN.
Therefore, you SHOULDN'T DEFINE your worth as a man or a person based on YOUR PARENTS values.
If you're PRODUCTIVE AND COMPETITIVE ENOUGH to sustain the lifestyle YOU want, then it's OK.

You don't NEED to become rich or an overachiever to BE APPRECIATED by other people. In fact, most people DON'T CARE about how much you earn as long as you contribute to society aka WORK (either as an employee or as a business owner).
Your parents are obsessed with making you an overachiever because they were RAISED to be like that. Their obsession with hyperproductivity IS NOT RATIONAL but the product of THEIR OWN UPBRINGING.

Tl;dr: Tiger Moms were created and made sense IN ASIA, where each individual man HAD to compete with TOO MANY other men.
This doesn't apply to the West.
In the West, you can work REASONABLE HOURS, you don't NEED to become a doctor, a lawyer or whatever your parents expect you to be. You have FREEDOM here. The freedom to CHOOSE your own PATH in life, and choose the CAREER and work life YOU want.

However, you likely HAVEN'T REALIZED THIS YET because you're currently ECONOMICALLY DEPENDANT on your parents.

So the first step of the SOLUTION for your problem should be GETTING A JOB, so you have an income and NO LONGER DEPEND on your parents to live, or at least NOT AS MUCH as you current are.
Even if the job you get doesn't pay enough to live on your own, the fact that you'll have AN INCOME and therefore WILL BE DIRECTLY CONTRIBUTING to the family's economy, --WILL GIVE YOU RESPECT-- from your parents. And if for some bizarre reason it didn't, it would STILL be the first step for you to BECOME INDEPENDANT as a person.

The key here is: YOU'RE NOT IN ASIA RIGHT NOW. So the RULES AND EXPECTATIONS that apply are not those of the asian country your parents or grandparents came from, but the rules and expectations of the country you're living in RIGHT NOW.

OP is not in rural 1200s where everyone is expected to play certain roles.
if OP wants to play the game as a cute anime girl then whateves

(Part 3)
As long as you DEPEND economically on your parents, you'll continue living UNDER THEIR INFLUENCE/RULE.
That's why it's so IMPORTANT for you to work on becoming independant from them.

Or to put it another way: FREEDOM EQUALS RESPONSIBILITY.
If you're not responsible for your own life (aka you don't work and pay to sustain your lifestyle) you won't be FREE to decide how to live, and OTHERS will try to decide and make you life how THEY want you to.

Asian cultures (specially chinese) are ultra competitive and still hold a great influence from the past. This doubles for immigrants who came many decades ago and were raised and coupled in a very close knit traditional asian community.

Asian cultures (specially chinese) are ultra competitive and still hold a great influence from the past. This doubles for immigrants who came many decades ago and were raised and coupled in a very close knit traditional asian community.

let the autist play as a cute anime girl regardless

(Part 4)

But oh no, I always find myself relapsing and feeling bad about it

If you REALLY want to transition and become a transwoman then DO IT.
Understand however that you'll have to become economically INDEPENDENT from your parents if you want to have a good relationship with them, SPECIALLY if you want to be a woman.

Also understand that unlike BIOLOGICAL women, transwomen are NOT GUARANTEED at all to become WIVES and being provided/supported for by their husband. So if the underlying REASON why you want to be a girl is because you think it'll allow you to escape responsibility and having to work, I got BAD NEWS for you.
Transwomen are NOT NEARLY AS DESIRED by men as biological women. If you become one, most men will see you as FETISH, and the men (like me) who're willing to date transwomen seriously will still be a SMALL MINORITY. This is something you should seriously consider before making such a decision.
So chances are, that even if you do become a transwoman, and you do PASS (i.e. look feminine enough to be seen as a woman in the eyes of the people you care about) you'll STILL have to work and support yourself.

2)

Therapy, meds has only helped me try to pick myself up. Motivation to improve myself peaks as I try to workout, get enough calories & nutrients in my body, meditate, all that wellness bs

These are all okay, but you might also need MORE TOOLS to solve your immediate problems.

For example, if you've trouble studying (or doing ANYTHING that requires effort), I recommend you two things:
1) Since you seem to be experiencing "burnout" aka breaking down after being super stressed, you should TAKE A VACATION.
It doesn't have to take many days, even A WEEKEND every couple of months could be enough. Take a small vacation either with your parents or on your own. Go to the beach or somewhere that is relaxing and isn't your usual places, and make it a point to RELAX and during that time NOT WORRY about anything.

2) If therapy isn't enough, also look for self-help books that deal with the SPECIFIC ISSUES that might be blocking you or making it harder for you to perform/study consistently/etc.

Personally I recommend the book "Atomic Habits" by James Clear for this.
And I also recommend the books "No More Mr Nice Guy" by Robert Glover and "When I say No I feel Guilty" by Manuel J. Smith for learning to SET BOUNDARIES when dealing with people, which I suspect it's something you need. Even if you CURRENTLY depend on your parents, you still can and should set BOUNDARIES with them. You're an ADULT. You can't keep ALLOWING your parents to treat you a kid anymore if you want to have a healthy self-esteem.
Pirate all the books I recommend or buy them, I don't care. As long as it helps you it's okay.

3)

Keep trying to help myself find friends but it also fails

Do you have ANY INTERESTS beyond study? Do you have any HOBBIES or something that might help you RELATE and MAKE FRIENDS with other people?
And if you do, HOW have you tried to make friends?
Have you tried joining any CLUB OR SOCIAL GROUP that dedicates itself to some of your hobbies?
Have you tried GOING OUT with other students to socialize? Going to parties/study groups/bars with a group of colleages/music concerts/etc?
Have you tried looking for places both IRL and online where people IN YOUR LOCAL AREA gather to talk about or do things that might interest you? E.g. Anime conventions, comicshops, etc.

1 year later, I realize now, I FAILED AT EVERYTHING

1) I seriously doubt it. And even if you did fail at achieving the goals you set for yourself, if you did indeed try, in the process of DOING you've at least gained SOME EXPERIENCE. So next time it should be easier.
2) Who said you had to solve all your life problems in only one year? That'd be UNREALISTIC for most people.
Everyone has problems, and everyone requires different amounts of time and effort to solve them.

(Final part)
What matters is that you KEEP PROGRESSING on your path to achieve your goals. Even if you do it at a slow pace.

Also, rest assured making friends as an adult TAKES TIME and isn't easy for most people. I'm personally extroverted both IRL and online but I know it's not the case for everyone. Still, even introverts eventually join or make their own social circles. The key of socialization is having COMMON INTERESTS and interacting regularly with people.
Friendship is something that happens ORGANICALLY while interacting with people with matching values, interests and who you vibe with.
I.e. You CAN'T set as a goal for yourself "I'm going to make friends" because it depends on other people and happenstance, but you CAN set the goal "I'm going to socialize and meet new people who I might find interesting", because it's something you can do.

Return to the weekly suicide attempts and daily rotting

The enemy of depression is ACTION.
Stand up and TRY AGAIN. You only really lose if you give up.

Anyway, that's it. Sorry for the length and caps.
I wish you good luck.

Even if OP is larping and just wants attention, my advice MIGHT be of use to someone in a similar situation, hence why I wrote it.

might be helpful to someone in a similar situation

heh, that's literally where I am in life right now, thanks, friend!

it's as if you've read my diary entries, though my specific situation is a little different
I'm in college, soon to be 20, amab of course

I've always put pressure on myself to be the best at a stem skill of mine to the point where I'd neglect other things like irl socialization and
despite this when I got to college I realized I still wasn't cracked-level good, just because the way I practiced in high school was really limited and I spend way too much time with friends online being half-and-half about it. so my first year in college was really intimidating since now I had a bunch of other stem nerds that weren't easy obstacles from an inner city high school, and I had to work a bunch to get straight A's that year.

I signed up probably for more than I could chew this semester, when I took a course in topo that was just too much work for me to take concurrently with my other stuff, and withdrawing from that was a big hit to my pride

this year in general I've felt like my (ill-formed in the first place) goal of being some researcher who lives off of a "passion" circumventing the need to work at a mindless job I hate for 7 hours, like that goal is just not attainable to me...
it's possible that it's just sleep deprivation or a psychological feeling of "I don't have enough time to learn what I need to learn!", or some sort of general scarcity mentality, but recently my intrinsic motivation for learning my skill has gone down, to the point where I've been
- spending time thinking about / fantazising about my feminization fetish (obv escapism fantasy as you mention)
- taking some minor action on my feminization fetish (some sissy hypno, a cage)
- signed up for a job next semester as a grader (I have literally 0 pocket money so I couldn't get HRT else)

I haven't neglected my studies to the point of failing anything yet, but I'm probably going to get like a B in one of my courses (avoidable with hard work) when last year I got straight A's...

(1/?)

a big part of my worries are about what job I will have in the future. I'm really scared of having a job that I feel miserable doing, because I don't want to end up like my parents who are barely-competent teachers who end up overstressed by their jobs' busywork because they aren't 100% competent. Also, getting a job that requires social interaction would give me way too much shame to pursue my feminization fantasy irl (i don't think I will pass because of my face, though I've a short twinkish body)

One person suggested switching my major to CS which would fit the bill for a job that my pride would be fine with, and also something that would let me transition, but I'm already in my 2nd year of college and from the CS I took in my first year, it was very intimidating to me having to learn so many specific facts about computers and how to implement them into precise bits of code that actually work irl, instead of just writing up a proof of an idea where the only requirement is that it has to be logically correct, like in math
I've only taken one pure CS course and it was a watered-down intro course in my first year that I found unejoyable. If I wanted to switch to CS I'd have to decide 100% by start of next year, I'd have to take 12 pure CS courses to get the major which should be doable in two years I guess

Another issue is my family, I want to transition young to get the beauty of feminine youth, and so that not all of my formative young adult years are spent on testosterone, but if my parents ever find out I'm on estrogen they'll stop paying for my college which is a huge risk, right now I barely have the executive function to apply for an easy grader job at a university, I have no clue how I would work an actual job to pay for all of my college or manage all of my things as an adult without my parent's help. So your post #3 about freedom = responsibility strikes a big chord with me.

I wanted to abandon the real world for so long as a kid by just being super cracked at math to be a researcher, but right now I don't think I want that since the thought of taking estrogen makes me too insecure of prospects of being a researcher (due to some misogynistic evopsych beliefs I have, like that it will make me too focused on people and not things to be a researcher, and that it will decrease my visuospatial iq), I'm scared of socializing for grants if I were to be a researcher or really any sort of work-based social interaction if I'm giving myself over to what's technically a "vice" because of social shame, and hyperfocusing on skill to the point that I think it's incompatible with the (also escapist?) sensual pleasures I want to experience with estrogen/feminization. Also with the amount of effort I've been putting recently (some classes just bare minimum to get an A), I feel that as it is right now I wouldn't have the work ethic or the talent to be a researcher.

My parents are comfortable with me getting a job that isn't a researcher, that specific source of pressure I had been putting on myself for the longest time was self-motvated. But because I had thought I was going to be a researcher for so long, I don't know what other practical alternatives for jobs that fit my criteria would be aside from some remote CS or very liberal in-person CS job where I wouldn't get axed for being a vice-pilled tranny.

I don't like living under the influence of my parents especially my very christian and traditionalist mom. She is just very emotionally unstable and emotionally cruel, especially with my two sisters, who she can manipulate emotionally more easily with her theatrics and hysterics, because they are more vulnerable to social body language and shame stuff under estrogen, and also because they don't have the logical intelligence that I use to whether the storm when she directs her hysterics towards me.
(pic: random aged&poor-health tran on YT)

I know freedom = responsibility, but I don't know if I can make the "transition" (heh) to take all of the responsibility needed to allow me to be independent of them in TIME to be able to transition before I'm like 30 years old and very VERY masculinized.

As for friends and my social group, right now it's just people who I know from high school who I mostly talk to online. One person I know IRL at my uni. They're really good friends and I'm glad I have them, I like their personalities and outlook on the world and feel I can be truly myself around them (except for all of my feminization fetish stuff, which I don't think I could ever tell them, and I don't think I'd get useful advice from them at all since none of them are trans.)

Even if OP is larping and just wants attention, my advice MIGHT be of use to someone in a similar situation, hence why I wrote it.

No you dumb autist.

I mean in the game of life. You can choose to be a cute anime girl throughout life.

Are you there, mystical improover? teach me your ways! Maybe if I'd mustered the will to have sperged all of this earlier, I could have gotten your advice... I don't know, maybe therapy might be useful for me just to have someone who can give me this sort of advice. Though I fear a therapist (and most "normal" people in general) would be disgusted by my true self, not just my sexual fetish stuff, but also my very individualist and non-empathetic personality. That's why I've been sporadically sperging about my life on here, but it's only rarely that I get replies...

I'm going to have to get off of Anon Babble to do some homework, if anyone has any advice for me and my highly specific personal situation in this thread I've piggybacked, add me on discord:
avarantio

this year in general I've felt like my (ill-formed in the first place) goal of being some researcher who lives off of a "passion" circumventing the need to work at a mindless job I hate for 7 hours, like that goal is just not attainable to me...

In order to have the opportunity to land a cushy researcher job you first need to gain the skills necessary for it, and chances are you'll have to learn them WORKING a job that deals with the specific area of your interest, which will ALSO give you the experience you need in your CV/resume.
There's realistically no way (sans nepotism/making friends with people in leadership positions related to that area) for you to SKIP working a number of YEARS before you become able to land your dream job. It is how it is.

or a psychological feeling of "I don't have enough time to learn what I need to learn!"

You have more than plenty of time. What you need is to gain enough work experience and knowledge/skills to GET YOUR FOOT IN THE DOOR of the specific field or area you want to spend most of your career in.
Also yes, REST is extremely important. You don't have to believe me btw, you can search for yourself how workaholics tend to perform worse per hour because of the burnout/accumulated stress that they rarely if ever release.

If the way you want or choose to relieve of your stress is feminization it's okay, although I'd recommend other activities that are more social and less fetishistic as a way to decompress.
The reason: normal social group activities have potential benefits that can serve you in many other aspects of life (e.g. socializing with normal or relatively people can help you learn/train your "soft skills"/make you more adept to interact with non neuro-divergent people, which will certainly help you a lot, specially with dealing with management types).

signed up for a job next semester as a grader

Excellent.
(Part 1)

(Part 2)

I haven't neglected my studies to the point of failing anything yet, but I'm probably going to get like a B in one of my courses (avoidable with hard work) when last year I got straight A's

Very good. It's always better to graduate having high grades and some work experience than graduating with higher grades but no exp, SPECIALLY in tech or any other field where technology or the required knowledge gets updated fairly frequently.

a big part of my worries are about what job I will have in the future. I'm really scared of having a job that I feel miserable doing

That's something you'll discover by experience. I assume you've already seen a CAREER COUNSELLOR. Also, you should (If you haven't yet) look for places where GRADUATES of the degree you're studying for gather to talk about their insertion to the job market in the field. Your college likely has an online space for that, and if all else fails there's also Reddit.
The INSIGHTS that the professionals of the field of your interest have will definitely help you and give you an updated picture of what it's like.

I don't want to end up like my parents who are barely-competent teachers who end up overstressed by their jobs' busywork because they aren't 100% competent.

TEACHERS have a very DIFFERENT type of career path than most other work fields.
Namely, teachers' salaries and advancement in their career are NOT determined by productivity or the teacher's individual skills but by HOW MANY YEARS they've been working as teachers on their educational institution.
STEM jobs are NOT like that at all. If your skills are better than the competition and you've enough social skills to be able to clearly communicate with management (and be at least tangentially aware of office politics) you WILL advance in your career. And if they don't promote you you can switch companies (monkey branch to a better paid position).

(Part 3)

Also, getting a job that requires social interaction would give me way too much shame to pursue my feminization fantasy irl

Have you ever been on Anon Babble or tech subreddits?
STEM IS FULL OF TRANSWOMEN. Tech specially so. Autism seems to be closely related to transgenderism for some reason, and STEM has plenty of it.
The "programming socks" meme didn't appear out of thin air, nuff said.

i don't think I will pass because of my face, though I've a short twinkish body

You'll probably pass. And if you don't, with a job in STEM and a few years of experience you'll be earning more than enough money for FFS (facial feminization surgery), which is something most people can't afford at least without saving for a long time.

One person suggested switching my major to CS which would fit the bill for a job that my pride would be fine with, and also something that would let me transition, but I'm already in my 2nd year of college and from the CS I took in my first year, it was very intimidating to me having to learn so many specific facts about computers and how to implement them into precise bits of code that actually work irl, instead of just writing up a proof of an idea where the only requirement is that it has to be logically correct, like in math

I agree with the advice, BUT only if it's something you personally enjoy or HAVE OR DEVELOP A TASTE FOR.
I.e. Whatever degree/major you choose, it has to be something that INTERESTS YOU at least enough to see yourself doing in for the long term. MONEY/POTENTIAL EARNINGS should NEVER be the ONLY reason to choose a degree, otherwise you'll probably become a mediocre professional who lives for the weekends.

The good news is, you're not even 20, you have A LOT OF TIME to TRY and EXPERIENCE learning and working on many things until you find exactly the job or type of job you feel most comfortable with. The important part is that you don't waste too much time and stand up when you fall.

(Part 4)

I've only taken one pure CS course and it was a watered-down intro course in my first year that I found unejoyable.

Look for places where CS graduates gather to talk about the profession (e.g. a subreddit) and see if they recommend a specific course for absolute beginners. And read about how their experience working is. It'll give you a better idea of things you can expect from the field.
Also, don't be shy and ASK THEM DIRECTLY about their opinions on if you would like CS.

If I wanted to switch to CS I'd have to decide 100% by start of next year, I'd have to take 12 pure CS courses to get the major which should be doable in two years I guess

Yes. But first you need to try and see if you like it. So look for a CS course that's recommended for beginners by many professionals of CS.

Another issue is my family, I want to transition young to get the beauty of feminine youth, and so that not all of my formative young adult years are spent on testosterone, but if my parents ever find out I'm on estrogen they'll stop paying for my college which is a huge risk

Welp. Then you more or less have these options:
A) Put extra effort on getting a job with growth potential or directly related to the degree/field of your choice. Then once you get some experience aim at getting a better paid job, and keep escalating until you can realistically pay for college if the worst happens. Avoid doing HRT until you have some work experience and thus some semblance of stability to make a comeback if things go south.
B) Avoid doing HRT until you finish college or are very close to.
Either way you shouldn't worry too much about this, because FFS (Facial feminization surgery) is more or less the ultimate solution for non-passing transwomen.

Most of a person's attractiveness comes from the FACE. Even in men's case, a good looking face trumps over a great looking body. If you need proof look up "gymcels" and "butterfaces" (female with gr8 bodies but ugly faces)

Ever have that moment where you realize you’ve been repeatedly doing and failing at improving in life

Yes my entire life has been a series of failures but nobody believes me since my life looks good from the outside.

now you’re tired from it all and want to retreat from all responsibilities in life

I actually kinda did that but the problem is if you're not happy where you are at then it's gonna eat at you while you're doing nothing.
I've quit jobs multiple times only to go back to working even without any financial pressure.

and also you’re still horny but your dick doesn’t work

If that's a result of HRT then you mog me at least since I'm a useless coward that's still repping

from the CS I took in my first year, it was very intimidating to me having to learn so many specific facts about computers and how to implement them into precise bits of code that actually work irl,

Programming has a steep learning curve but CS is a far easier degree than math coursework wise (although there's more competition for jobs)

(due to some misogynistic evopsych beliefs I have, like that it will make me too focused on people and not things to be a researcher, and that it will decrease my visuospatial iq)

Wtf, that thought crosses my mind sometimes as well. Either that or estrogen is gonna make me worse at handling stress and my emotions.
It's complete bullshit since trannies are overrepresented in the sciences and you're generalizing on trends not the individual (you).

But because I had thought I was going to be a researcher for so long, I don't know what other practical alternatives for jobs that fit my criteria would be aside from some remote CS or very liberal in-person CS job where I wouldn't get axed for being a vice-pilled tranny.

ML research scientist, duh.

(Part 5)

I wanted to abandon the real world for so long as a kid by just being super cracked at math to be a researcher, but right now I don't think I want that since the thought of taking estrogen makes me too insecure of prospects of being a researcher

If you live in a western country chances are there are anti-discrimination laws (also known as "Affirmative Action") that make WAY MORE LIKELY for certain minorities such as trans people to get hired. If anything, identifying as trans will make getting jobs EASIER for you.
Even in the US under Trump affirmative action will CONTINUE to exist, you can trust me on this (don't want to write an extra wall of text on this subject).

I'm scared of socializing for grants if I were to be a researcher or really any sort of work-based social interaction

Fear is something that you LEARN to control (or even overcome depending how rational/founded that fear is) so that it doesn't paralyze you. And one of the ways to do it is by progressively FACING YOUR FEARS, assuming of course we're talking about things you HAVE to face to live a happy life.

if I'm giving myself over to what's technically a "vice" because of social shame, and hyperfocusing on skill to the point that I think it's incompatible with the (also escapist?) sensual pleasures I want to experience with estrogen/feminization

You don't have to come out as trans if you don't want to, you could technically do HRT and tuck your chest at work and people could assume you're just a super feminine man. And if you want to but feel afraid of the how you're going to be seen by your coworkers for example, you could start facing that fear by GRADUALLY changing your appearance in public and see how it goes
E.g. You start by going to the office with a girly accessory that still gives you PLAUSIBLE DENIABILITY in case someone accuses you of dressing like a woman. Then you GRADUALLY ESCALATE until people in the office have become familiarized with it.

(Part 6)
To the point that when you finally come out as trans at work nobody is too surprised about it.
And if you're confronted by HR (unlikely since HR deparments are FULL of liberal feminists and LGBTQ people) you can always say you're "Queer" and get away with it. HR and Affirmative Action go hand in hand in the West.

Also with the amount of effort I've been putting recently (some classes just bare minimum to get an A), I feel that as it is right now I wouldn't have the work ethic or the talent to be a researcher.

Rome wasn't built in a day. Take your time working your ass off, new opportunities will always present themselves. What matters is becoming capable of taking them (thus you must study and work a lot).

My parents are comfortable with me getting a job that isn't a researcher, that specific source of pressure I had been putting on myself for the longest time was self-motvated. But because I had thought I was going to be a researcher for so long, I don't know what other practical alternatives for jobs that fit my criteria would be aside from some remote CS or very liberal in-person CS job

This is something that ironically you've to research by yourself. You know your own criteria and only YOU can discover what YOU enjoy by trying doing new things. Neither I or anyone else can tell or dictate what YOU would enjoy doing the most.

where I wouldn't get axed for being a vice-pilled tranny.

If you live in a western country NOBODY IS GOING TO FIRE YOU FOR BEING TRANS. Companies would rather fire most of their cis employees than firing a trans person because the latter would imply a huge risk of getting sued. Even in the US under the Trump this IS AND WILL CONTINUE TO BE LIKE THIS.
You're too young to understand, but what politicians SAY they'll do if they win an election and what they END UP DOING after being elected is almost universally quite DIFFERENT.

(Part 7)

I don't like living under the influence of my parents especially my very christian and traditionalist mom. She is just very emotionally unstable and emotionally cruel, especially with my two sisters, who she can manipulate emotionally more easily with her theatrics and hysterics, because they are more vulnerable to social body language and shame stuff under estrogen, and also because they don't have the logical intelligence that I use to whether the storm when she directs her hysterics towards me.

Well, more of a reason to study and work hard and become independent from her.

but I don't know if I can make the "transition" (heh) to take all of the responsibility needed to allow me to be independent of them in TIME to be able to transition before I'm like 30 years old and very VERY masculinized.

You're not yet 20. You have a solid DECADE to sort your life out. And EVEN if you were to transition in your 30s, if you can afford FFS (which if you're in STEM will most likely be able to afford by 25 or even earlier) you'll be fine.
You don't need to take my word for it, there's even BODYBUILDERS who later in life became passing transwomen thanks to FFS. HRT can help, but all the estrogen in the world won't make a face beautiful because facial beauty is mostly genetic. FFS fixes this.

As for friends and my social group, right now it's just people who I know from high school who I mostly talk to online. One person I know IRL at my uni. They're really good friends and I'm glad I have them, I like their personalities and outlook on the world and feel I can be truly myself around them

Perfect.

(except for all of my feminization fetish stuff, which I don't think I could ever tell them, and I don't think I'd get useful advice from them at all since none of them are trans.)

You don't have to tell anyone about it, besides if they're good friends they will understand.
If you decide to transition you'll have to tell them eventually.

(Final Part)
And IF/WHEN you decide to transition and come out to your friends as trans, I recommend the same GRADUAL approach to it I mentioned a couple posts ago Worst case scenario they'll tease you a bit for looking fruity at first but then they'll realize it's your new identity and will come to respect it.

Anyway, I've written WAY TOO MUCH.
I seriously hope my advice helps you live a happier life. Good luck.

Thank you for all of the actionable advice! Yeah, I think it's just an internal shame thing I have to work through, I don't think I should try to play it both ways and try to withdraw from the world to avoid confronting social shame fear from transitioning due to a fetish. I don't think that's feasible to do anyway, that would limit my options even more... If I really want this then I should make the preparations to live with that socially. A CS job seems doable (still need to see if something I can learn to like), it'll be weird doing casual socialization around the workplace, but if I'm truly to be valued for my skill, hopefully people will just not care. And I won't want to care either. And if some do, then the hiring people very likely won't as you mention.

A separate issue I will have to work out is that I'll feel disgusting about myself like aesthetically if I transition at 30+ or even 25+. Social passing is not my first priority or even a high priority despite social shame being a fear of mine. I don't think I would want to change my face just to pass better socially, my face is who I am, and changing my identity based on what will look most average socially instead of what I think beauty is, is not something I want to do. Same for feminizing surgeries, I don't want those. I would rather do skincare, facial yoga, mewing, or for the body, feminizing exercises and fat redistribution, prog, whatever it takes so that I can have gotten that beauty by my own "natural" means. Youth and beauty are so connected in my mind, that if I were to transition at 30, I fear I would have to rely too much on "copes" like fashion, and surgeries, to get a feminine figure. And the age of 25+ is when neuroplasticity starts to decline as well. Which, I actually care more about the body than the face as transition goals.

feminizing surgeries, I don't want those. I would rather do skincare, facial yoga, mewing, or for the body, feminizing exercises and fat redistribution, prog, whatever it takes so that I can have gotten that beauty by my own "natural" means.

Nta but is that just due to a fear of surgery?

One thing I could try is taking HRT or at least just bicalamutide, and hiding it from parents. It's risky, but if I got caught, probably the worst that will happen is that mom will scream at me and try to be cruel with her social intuition for ~< 1 month. She'll probably threaten suicide. I think things'd eventually go back to normal if I concede. My dad'd be very disappointed + condescending, but not cruel. And he wouldn't want mom to act impulsively and stop paying for me, but Mom controls the household finances. Something similar happened when I was in 11th and she found my prostate massager in my room. I could buy a lockbox once I've pocket money next semester. My mom doesn't come to visit my dorm; she's the only one who would care to bust open something like that. My dad would be suspicious, maybe report it to mom? But I think I could hide it from him; he's not as observant. I could only see them not paying for my college if I were to keep taking HRT anyway, or if I openly defied them.

Taking HRT is the biggest thing that feels like "real" progress in feminization to me, and it's been hard for me to have this feminization goal where my only actionable "non-cope" ways of progressing towards it is something I can't afford until next semester two months from now... Unless I reframe things so that career exploration & independence becomes something actionable!! ahhh

For this I will need to start working on my delayed gratification, because I've been super impulsive with instant internet gratification to the point I do all-nighters on Internet. My friends taught me how to find cooler things on the internet by disabling spoonfeeding algorithms, and it makes Internet so fun sometimes it can be addicting... I will look at the books you've sent, I know Atomic Habits is a famous one, probably because it's good. I'm mostly typing this out to sort out my thoughts so it's ok if you're not able to respond. Thank you so, so much for the advice!!

It's not just a fear of surgery, even if the results turned out perfectly I wouldn't want them. More of a dis-preference for surgery. I mean aside from the risk of something like broken nose syndrome which is just horrible for health and turns you into a mouth-breather for your whole life, doing FFS to me is like changing my innate presentation based on what other people think of me. There's nothing more fundamental (physically) to who you are, than your face. I also think I have different preferences in my ideal female face than what FFS would be able to give me. Like picrel was a face I found beautiful (an old crush from an old class photo of mine). My ideal face is a little androgynous actually, though my ideal body is conventionally feminine (breasts on the smaller side, but still noticable and in proportion to my slim figure).

Also I view surgery as dishonest in a fundamental way. I have a distaste for liposuction surgeries for the same reason. Instead of practicing virtue to improve your beauty, you hire a doctor to fix the symptoms but not the cause of your aesthetic deficit. I feel intuitively that it's just innately bad for health, can't foramalize this though. And yes I'm inconsistent with health because of my frivolous sleep deprivation, but I (at least in principle) want to stop doing that.
Physical beauty to me is supposed to be a reward for virtuous practices, good health, and consistent routines. If I am doing all of those, I'm happy even with a clockable face and figure.