YES, i experience gender dysphoria and homosexuality due to subconsious mechanisms seeking to reclaim agency over my own body after getting raped so many times as a child that even just taking my shirt off around other people makes me cry!!!
NO, i will not have sex with men because of my rape complex!!!
NO, i will not transition because of my rape complex!!!
YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!!!!
YES...
are you sure transition wouldn't make you happier/help you deal with dysphoria?
honestly, i don't think it would. i think i'd just end up feeling worse because i don't think i'm actually trans at all, i think it's just some strange maladaption. i've got a bunch of weird complexes surrounding my body and sexuality, like i'm anorexic too, but no matter how much weight i lose, i always look fat.
I get that. I hope you can find happiness in yourself whether you transition or not
“i experience gender dysphoria and homosexuality due to subconscious mechanisms seeking to reclaim agency”
This is interesting. This is trauma attribution, a common defense in survivors. You suspect your identity or orientation isn’t “real,” but a coping mechanism. So now your mind associates any deviation from cisheteronormativity with the legacy of abuse. It's self-denial framed as self-protection
But here is a thing even if trauma influenced aspects of identity, it doesn’t make the identity invalid. Humans adapt to pain. But sometimes, what emerges from pain is still true, still real, even if it was shaped by fire.
There is a strong conflict between your dysphoria and rape complex
“NO, I will not have sex with men because of my rape complex!”
“NO, I will not transition because of my rape complex!”
This shows hypervigilant boundary defense, not just against others, but against the self. You are deeply terrified that being attracted to men = reenacting submission = inviting abuse again. Also, Transitioning = giving in to what the abusers forced them to feel.
“If they feminized me through rape, how can I trust my own desire to be a woman?”
You don’t owe anyone transition, sex, or even clarity about your identity. What you’re feeling makes complete sense, your body and mind have every right to protect themselves after what you’ve lived through. Just know this: whether your gender and attraction come from trauma, growth, or both. They’re still yours. You get to own them, reclaim them, rewrite them or not. I trust you to know what’s right for you, when you’re ready
thank you, i'm trying very hard. i've started seeing a psychiatrist for the first time and now i'm on like nine medications (none of them are working). i hope your life is perfect and you get everything you want!!!
Thanks :)
interesting analysis. i have my opinion but idk if i can concretely say if it's true or not, cause you can never be objective about yourself. however i will say that i never felt any of this stuff until after the abuse started, i started masturbating at a very young age and i only ever consumed heterosexual pornography. so idrk desu, it doesn't feel real to me, it feels like something that was forced onto me and now i have to put up with it. i desperately want to have children, but idk how i'd ever find a woman that would put up with not having sex, and me in general. thank you for replying to my post.
Ok, let's break this in parts
“I never felt any of this until after the abuse”
This is a trauma-origin belief, and it’s a heavy one. You probably think like “because my identity only surfaced after trauma, it must be fake” and that's common cognitive distortion in trauma survivors equating timing with invalidity. But here’s a fact: Trauma doesn’t create identity from nothing, It can unearth, distort, accelerate, or complicate identity, but it doesn’t implant foreign desires into the psyche like a virus. A child growing up in an abusive home might discover music as a form of escape. The music passion emerged from trauma, but it’s still real.
“It doesn’t feel real to me. It feels like something forced onto me”
This is emotional derealization and alienation from the self, classic symptoms of complex PTSD and dissociation
When the body or mind associates identity with the abuser or the abuse timeline, the natural response is: “Reject it". But this rejection doesn’t erase the internal experience, it just turns it into a haunted mirror. You doesn’t want to “become” what the abuse tried to shape, even if that overlaps with who you truly is.
The underlying fear isn’t just “Am I trans?”
It’s “Can I ever trust myself again?”
“I desperately want to have children, but who would put up with me?”
This is core shame and preemptive self-abandonment. You are convinced you are too broken, too abnormal, too sexually unavailable to be loved or wanted, even though her longing for connection and parenthood is deeply human. This is from someone who still wants to create life, despite what was done to them that’s not weakness. That’s defiance.
You probably have a hidden belief that is
“If I can’t be sexually functional, I’m worthless to a partner.”
That’s a lie. A cruel one. But trauma makes it feel true.
if i had to be honest, how it feels to me is that my parents were distant and i didn't really have any friends, so when men showed me affection and gave me attention, i began to associate feelings of love and attachement with how they made me act and what they did to me. then over time, my explicit desire for love and attention kinda withered away (diagnosed schizoid btw), but those desires remained.
It’s “Can I ever trust myself again?”
i'm not super certain what you mean by this? i do feel as if i can generally trust myself, i just loathe one or two parts of me.
That’s a lie. A cruel one. But trauma makes it feel true.
maybe, but i still would bring a ton of baggage to anyone who would date me, and i can't even give them anything to make it better, it just makes me feel bad, and it makes my chances of actually marrying somone i actually love
sorry if i'm retarded, i'm kinda sleepy, i sleeping poorly a lot cause i get nightmares and wake up
trannies are never beating the “just confused abused children” allegations
I don't remember being abused as a kid and I'm a tranny
here is the ultimate question:
how tall are you?
approx 175, the exact same height as my mother, my dad is 190. it's serendipity cause it's pretty funny, i think.
*165
Incredible height if you do decide to transition
maybe, but i'm too masculine anyways. i've got a pretty face, but literally the widest ribcage you could possibly fit on a human being. iwnbaw :/
I'm sure you're better than you think. If you're acting like this, it's probably worth looking into hrt. Pretty face and small height is a great starting point
to be fair, a large amount of boys who are molested are not gay or trans later on because of that, but rather they already showed signs ofbeing different from the average boy which results in them being easier targets for predators since they are more vulnerable and less likely to be paid attention to in case of reporting the abuse, they might even be blamed for it. They are also more sensitive, odd or efiminate, which is something that appeals to some predators
you could start waist training with a corset. after a few months the cartilage bends and becomes permanent. if you're short and pretty you're most there
as this anon said
If you're acting like this
sorry, but what do you mean by this? also, i think my body might be more masculine than you're expecting, and i'm old as fuck, my puberty is super over and i'm pretty sure my growth plates are closed too
imo, not all smokers get lung cancer and some non-smokers get lung cancer regardless, it's just a large contributing factor. plus, i've always hated the "you were acting gay" explanation, especially since i was a very masculine, and occasionally violent, child.
it's def worse than you're imagining, plus doesn't that fuck up your organs? also idrk if i am actually pretty, idk. i don't think i'd pass. or even if i'd want to.
it doesn't fuck up your organs, it's just guts down there, not your blood organs. I'd say post an unsee, but I'm about to take a nap.
it's just a comment, in the same vein as others who have mentioned here that abuse doesn't create desires or sexualities or gender identities.
as a fellow maladaptation, estrogen did help me somewhat
i don't really post my pics much anymore ever since i started trying to get over my anorexia. i don't think i'll ever not feel disgustingly obese. i'm literally like 60kg rn, it's disgusting.
but why not tho? why couldn't it? i'm not trying to be pigheaded, but ik i and a lot of other people feel this way. plus idk, it just feels like the most likely solution to me.
how so? i feel like it would just schiz me out and make me worse.
acting like this
complaining about being a "not a woman" etc. how old are you? plenty of people get good results when they're an older transitioner
I don't post pics anymore
I guess we'll never know then
i'm 21, so totally over territory.
drop a disc tag and give me a couple weeks to lose weight, then i'd consider it, lol.
frimtwinkly
i'll add you tomorrow, i don't actually have disc installed on my 'puter rn.
21 is so fucking young please it's not too late
I would understand this coming from a woman confused with being ftm becuase being a man in this society would provide measurable material value over being a woman, but even then they usually desist once they see that being ftm is not the same as regular manhood. With this in mind, i struggle to see how it would make sense as a meassure of control over your body and autonomy for you to start hrt since it would put you at risk in many ways, therefore, a desire to be more like a female is rooted into something more personal, which would make your desire to transiton a lot more genuine than it being a mere scape mechanism from past abuse. (note, it's not that i don't perceive ftms as ungenuine, it's just that i think dysphoria needs to be more personal than simply being a logical response to a materially disadvantegeous position)
“My parents were distant and I didn't really have any friends"
Attachment trauma, not just abuse trauma. Your caregivers didn’t offer consistent affection, mirroring, or emotional safety. So when adult men gave you attention, even abusive, your brain imprinted that as connection.
Your core believe is:
“This pain feels like love, because it’s all I’ve ever known of being wanted.”
So you didn’t just survive sexual abuse, you emotionally bonded to it. That’s not weakness, that’s trauma-induced love confusion.
“My explicit desire for love and attention kinda withered away (diagnosed schizoid btw), but those desires remained”
This is a textbook schizoid pattern
Deep unmet need for love and connection -> withdrawal into fantasy or numbness -> surface-level indifference, internal starvation.
You protects the core self from further hurt by disowning needs or builds a false self of “I don’t care. I don’t need anyone” but underneath that is someone still dying to be touched, chosen, loved just in a way that doesn’t feel predatory or unsafe.
You are not broken, you are shielded by a survival structure that formed in the aftermath of betrayal.
“I still would bring a ton of baggage to anyone who would date me"
“and I can't even give them anything to make it better”
This is pre-rejection. You emotionally pushes yourself out of hypothetical relationships before anyone else can abandon you.
But here’s the reality: Love is not a transaction of “value”. It’s not “I give you sex and you tolerate my trauma.”
It’s: “We hold each other’s pain, we build safety, and we learn what closeness means on our terms”. The very fact that you wants to protect a future partner from your own pain means you already better than most.
“I sleep poorly a lot cause I get nightmares and wake up"
Classic sign of trauma stored in the body. nervous system is still in fight-or-flight. Even sleep isn’t safe.
if anything, the logical course would be to obsessed over being some sort of gymbro to feel strong enough to stop any possibility of abuse every happening again
You didn’t choose the way your body or mind tried to survive. You were conditioned to see love through pain, and now you’re trying to unlearn that while still needing love. That’s courageous. You’re not disgusting, you’re grieving the version of yourself that never got to form in safety. You don’t need to be sexually available or perfect to be worthy of love. And you don’t owe the world a version of yourself that’s "easier to love".
i'm sorry, i just really don't believe this, like my puberty is over, i believe my growth plates have closed, and i don't wanna risk the regret of destroying my body.
i think it's something like this , i think it's mostly a function of misassociation. plus, by that logic, anorexia wouldn't be a common cope for rape victims cause it makes them more vulnerable, but it is, and i'm that also.
i actually did do that for a while, i actually used to be really strong, but then i had like a mental schizm and lost like 1-2kg per week until it was all gone.
yeah, this is how i feel, like i constructed a perverse bond with them in order to derive percieved affection from each experience. so, now i associate being effeminate and getting fucked with being loved and given attention and i hate it. desu, it's pretty gross, to me at least. thank you for talking with me.
my growth plates are closed
and?
you were expecting to grow taller as a woman?
height his bad here.
hormones won't do much in the way of hip bone growth, but it might. that is what fat is for.
i'm sorry, i just really don't believe this, like my puberty is over, i believe my growth plates have closed, and i don't wanna risk the regret of destroying my body.
You are contradicting yourself then, how could hrt destroy your body if it would do nothing in regards of changing it? If you are certain that no permanent changes will come, at least you can take hrt to minimize future masculinization and receive a slight increase in comfort from dysphoria. I do that as a man who takes hrt but has no desire of socially presenting female and who understands that hrt won't change much, i mostly see it as a "things won't get better, but at least they won't too bad from here on out". Would an approach like that help?
You didn’t choose the way your body learned to survive. The fact that abuse shaped your sense of femininity doesn’t mean your femininity isn’t real it means it was born in a warzone. You’re not gross. You’re someone whose boundaries were shattered before they were even formed, and now you’re trying to build them from scratch. That takes more courage than most people can imagine. You don’t have to reject every part of yourself that was touched by trauma you get to reclaim it. On your terms
yeh, i was mostly talking about hip growth, my hip to shoulder is already super bad and i don't think fat is sufficient, especially since i can't store too much fat without being litereally unable to look in mirrors, or look down in general.
i'm mostly talking about breast growth, which doesn't really go away. i can't say for certain, but i'm 99% certain would seriously freak me out. i guess i don't know, and it feels like a massive risk
just the idea of "my femininity" literally makes my skin crawl. idk, it's probablt just a me problem. thank you, i just really dislike that idea. it's just like i would never pass, i'd just be gross and weird looking, more so than i already do. ifk
sorry my respomses are so bad, it's like 1am. i moght fall asleep at my 'puter. if anyone drops an email or disc tag, i'll contact them tomorrow for sure
well you got my discord. cya around