/sig/ - lgbt self improvement general

Wow well done on the grades anon! I’m sorry to hear about the breakdown though. Not being able to live independently is a hard thing to swallow, in my experience… With how the world operates it can feel like a massive personal defeat.

incel rage ig

Fwiw you seem like a fairly self-aware person from what I’ve seen. For me, when I’m not too dissociated, I get homicidal and suicidal when sufficiently stressed, which apparently that isnt all that uncommon with disorders like ADHD or PTSD. I dont know if reading that is of any help. But I thought I would mention it because feeling these things aren’t necessarily a sign of being a bad person

No idea how it even got through the medical trials

Fr, that and how it’s often being given as one of the first antipsychotics for patients to try is an absolute mystery to me. Guy in one of my talk therapy groups ages ago would sit in silence and stare at the wall the entire session while on it. Freaky af.

medical malpractice

I believe the preferred term is “symptomatic treatment” (kek but. Yeah. It’s… a wild ride)

Interesting that the way your emotions burst out changed. Do you feel any.. catharsis, afterwards? Does it feel more like a release than it used to?

Sadly I don’t. Being more blunt with my anger and sadness is largely a byproduct of stress and feeling like nothing matters, so the feeling I’m left with afterwards is more in the vein of restless hopelessness.
Compared to last year my adhd meds make it easier not to dissociate completely, however.
Even if I still slip up sometimes and turn into a ghost.

#

Maybe let's get into the nitty gritty of that. Wanna talk housekeeping, finances, try to get really specific

I have a lot on my mind but I think it's best to ask: What's a skill I need to have firm grasp on so I can get ready to move out when I financially stable enough?

I could for example tell you how I keep my living space clean, or if that comes easy for you, how I motivate myself to do chores?

Th hats would also be very beneficial to me, yes please.

How do you usually fill the hours when you're on your own, does it feel unproductive?

I used to draw a lot but I don't have a desktop or table set up here where I know live, I'm missing a lot of stuff I'd really like to have again.
Right I'm just gyming, eating, cleaning and looking for work (online and local).
When I'm not procrastinating that is, sorry

What is different when you are alone?

I feel a little less pressure to get everything done properly.

And to the anon I dedicated my next bread to: here it is!
the oregano. Doesnt really suit the taste.
My plan was to make a more salty and savoury bread but I… kind of thought about chocolate buns the entire time, and I think I accidentally absentmindedly went that route with my dough, because it tastes a lot like a light brioche. Ah well.

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in recent years i've acknowledged i have social needs, and that i desire love

i've also realised i'm loved by two people, both family members. which was a massive breakthrough for me, and a strange experience overall.

That is a major breakthrough, and definitely something to cherish!

honestly no one thinks their core beliefs can be changed.

I agree. We would be pretty unstable on a psychological level if we could change our core beliefs all the time on a whim. It is no wonder we have a certain inertia.

i want to be able to do things that make me happy without feeling intense anxiety and spiralling into self-hatred.

As far as I am aware*, the thing with things like anxiety is that it boils down to addressing a comparably nonverbal part of ourselves. More to the point fears and anxieties are mostly combated through stuff like exposure therapy and finding ways to mentally automate self soothing. Stuff like CBT and related methods - to the best of my very limited knowledege - are meant to aid that.

*Of course I am not a trained professional so.. take it with a grain of salt.

i do think it'd be nice if i wasn't so overwhelmed by other people, and i was able to receive positive attention without automatically feeling threatened.

Of course, the nasty thing about changing minds, these things in particular, is that on some level we have a mental self defense

i wish i didn't test people or push them away because

i think it's going to happen eventually anyway.

I know it cannot be super convincing but having it seen be successfully mitigated in others makes me have faith in you overcoming it. But it will require subversive means. Basically, because humans are difficult to change, a lot of working methods hinge on what ultimately is microdosing self delusion/manipulation. Tricking ourselves, or having us tricked. That is an unfathomably intimate thing. And I understand how scary that is to put in the hands of someone you don't fully trust.

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being able to shop for groceries without it being so terrifying.

By the way, if you want we could try work on that kinda stuff at least, your loved ones can help you there too! Like I already alluded to, exposure therapy will be an integral part to overcome this. Having a loved one by your side to soothe you, and you experimenting with grounding techniques, would likely help you accomplish that.

i wish i didn't have to suffer to feel good about myself

You definitely deserve better.

i think all this happens because others are affecting me too much.

I am not sure that is the root cause..

no issue with questioning.

I'm grateful for your patience!

if someone has an agenda, then yeah i find that annoying.

Hmm, I see. This ties into what I meant with therapists by nature messing with one's person on a deeply intimate level, so you being uncomfortable with them is not at all something I ever wanna make light of.

i simply want to be acknowledged; if someone can understand why i do these things, maybe they'll know how i can get out of the trap, because i sure as hell don't.

For a long time I never consciously distinguished between sympathy ("I feel for you"), compassion ("I want to help") and empathy ("I feel what you feel"). I found it eventually very useful to use these words with precision and intent in moments like this. It seems like you want people to, at least some extent, be able to empathize. To see things from your perspective. I think that is perfectly sensible. Thank you for taking the time to explain it. I hope I haven't been too harsh on you!>in the context of becoming less 'mentally ill' and more 'healthy', its character totally changes.
Ahh yes. We all want some semblance of normalcy. We don't wanna be treated like aliens, and something about being a "patient" to someone is, by its very nature, reductive. That said, people in mental health should not treat you like that, yet many do. And that is shitty.

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stupid and closed minded

I'm sorry that I was so critical, but at no point did I ever want to imply you are stupid. And you helped me understand your pov a great deal! I also get your grievances with society as a whole, that you don't feel safe around most people because of your own experiences. You are not crazy for any of that. We as people always, always, ALWAYS extrapolate from what we have. That is both a strength and a weakness. For example if a thing that can work never did for us (maybe for reasons completely unrelated to the thing), we will be INCREDIBLY reluctant to give that thing yet another chance other people's experiences be damned. You are not closed minded or crazy or anything to think of feel that way. That is normal human behavior, and it is what usually keeps us alive. But it can make us blind to things. Maladaptive coping mechanisms, depression.. these are things happening to rational, ordinary people. Things that are self perpetuating because our natural inclinations and inertia, our experiences, our brain chemistry, whatever prime us to walk in circles. Hardware level bugs, if you will. It means that the way out is something we are very unlikely to pursue on a whim or out of our own will without external impetus. Often it relates to overcoming a particular kind of discomfort. Annoyingly, discomfort, fear and confusion can actually point to progress. It is fundamentally counter intuitive.

what else can i do?

it solves for something perceived to be worse.

That is so hard about all of this. We all are alive for the first time.
Fundamentally, I think you want to and can change, but you definitely need more reassurance and comfort than a stranger can provide. For that you would need to first be more comfortable around people, I think. From a safer, familiar environment. Maybe that would be a good start really. Self help with support from family? What do you think about all I said here?

Never heard of it, where did you dig it up?

Sorry, I meant to say 'I'm glad I'm not alone'.

Ahh, thanks for clarifying!

That's a fair point, I'm definitely not immune to my own stubbernnes at times.

None of us are, it's only human, anon!

I think I follow what you're saying.

Keep day to day more manageable for long term results.

Yes exactly! And take the time to dwell on it. Keep records if it helps! Receipts of your small achievements, so to say. Allow yourself a hoard of accomplishments. As you said, it is about rigging perspective.

Please do, I'd appreciate the information very much.

Okay, accountability. The thing about it, in contrast to things like journaling, is that it stimulates you socially. Pygmalion effect comes to mind. Essentially, telling someone "I will do X" will put a burden of expectation on you, but also the feeling of someone looking forward to having their expectation fulfilled. It will give you something to look forward to: an interaction. That carried me through the tough bits of my weight loss. That's the first thing that comes to mind in lieu of a journal.
Are you often on your own?

Heya! It sounds like the links in the pastebin are unintuitive, you are right that epub is an obscure format compared to pdf, I should probably write a guide how to use these links to help people. I also noticed there are some http links that shouldn't exist! Sorry for the poor experience.
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True, I just hope people don't think I'm too weird to employ down the line.

If that were the case many physics PhDs I know would be out of a job, don't you worry.

I really need to stop day dreaming when I fill out paper work...

Oh? You like, zone out? I guess it's better than my anxiety and fussing at least, kek. I don't know if it helps to hear but I'm 32, a postdoc currently working abroad (still in Europe).
Just sou you have a general idea what shapes my pov.

Right I'm just gyming, eating, cleaning and looking for work (online and local).

That's already great I think!

I feel a little less pressure to get everything done properly.

Do you feel like something

I'm missing a lot of stuff I'd really like to have again.

Is it just a matter of getting the stuff or is there another limitation? Time, money, space..

(2/2)

I have a lot on my mind but I think it's best to ask: What's a skill I need to have firm grasp on so I can get ready to move out when I financially stable enough?

In my experience? Just.. bookkeeping. Think about it, a home is basically just a set of walls to keep the weather outside and the warmth inside. Everything about it needs semi-regular maintenance or has a running cost attached. There will always be laundry, dishes, food running out or spoiling, dust, shower gel running low, appliances breaking, bulbs needing replacement.. Your number one goal in all of this is to not go insane. That means working out a method that, for anxious types at least, has a clear cut "not now" thought terminating reaction attached. Dishes I do every time I walk past or into the kitchen. I made it a habit. Hence I never have much in terms of dirty dishes. Laundry? Sunday or Saturday. No other day, so it's out of my mind. Etc. Trash is my nemesis since I can't do it based on triggers or weekly intervals. It accumulates without any good patterns and I don't like yeeting half full bags. In general I run on habits for the most part because I SUCK at time tables. Some are good at that, def not me. I build my life around triggers. I keep my vacuum cleaner somewhere where I can grab it on impulse. Like I said, I have the rule about dishes. I set myself some reminders in Thunderbird for tasks that I can do in reg intervals because then when I hear the notification sound I know I gotta get up. Pavlovian housekeeping if you will.

Potatoes are really really cheap, carrots are also fairly cheap, corn, bell peppers aren't that bad but I'd have to buy in bulk, milk is expensive, I'll probably buy a giant bag of rice and can't say more cause 2k characters :/

The damned char limit, feel free to indulge multiposting as I often do. But right, given I know your country (roughly) I know from first hand experience that pasta, root veggies, grains and such should be cheap. Milk being expensive is tricky of course but workable. Just with root veggies, eggs, oil/butter and perhaps cheese there is already a ton of stuff you can make. For example carrot, onion and celery make an amazing base for stocks and sauces (soffrito), so does the holy trinity of cajun cooking (bell pepper, onion, celery). Generally grated or chopped carrot and onion with for example jarred tomato passata makes a great sauce. As for rice: consider dried or canned legumes, beans and rice are a staple of latin american cooking.

Looking away, mumbling, on their phone, hands crossed, yawning, distracted by objects, looking bored.

That's just fucking rude. Though the question is whether they were like this because of the setting or because they are that uninterested in getting to know people. If they act like this outside of a class setting too I would consider them a lost cause as well. Just to make sure I didn't lose the plot, those were the same people interested in the class and otherwise motivated?
I'm sorry to hear, anon. When did we last talk? Could you re-introduce yourself a little, tell me of your circumstances?
I am sorry to hear, Anon. Some people who are unwell self isolate, and push others away. I hope you know it does not mean it was your (or anyone's) fault. It hurts, and it sucks. I also lost friends I was just trying to support in the past. I know your pain. How are you doing these days?

See above, I think I caught all your replies from last thread (can't link thanks to spam filter)

Glad to hear you get to hang out with people! Yes, comparing yourself is incredibly easy a trap to fall into.

every time, without miss, after im back home, i cant help noticing just how out of place i am and how im really just a bad copy of a woman.

The google-able term for this, if you're curious, is post-event rumination! One of the things I personally did to cope is to try and get feedback for some of my thoughts, to have a feedback with reality. Often I found letting myself be reassured helps. Anxieties are fed by unknowns, feeling unprepared, being exposed to the unfamiliar, and ... time. By keeping busy, seeking affirmation/feedback etc you can make it easier to overcome. It is impossible to make "don't think about X" work. You can only drown out a thought with another, or engage with it in terms you set to rig the game in your favor. Mindfulness stuff and cognitive behavior therapy are about that.

Sounds like dysphoria is hitting you like an anvil, Anon... Do you often feel this way?
Ah, that sucks Shinjinon. I am glad the meds help grounding you. Can I ask something silly? How do you generally feel about physical affection, and do you have plushies?

feel like they express no interest in you?

Yes. Maybe will ask one question about me and I tell them about myself a little but sorta just ends there with no follow up questions.

Do you sometimes hang out with people individually?

yes. really only individually. in groups I just sorta fade away into the background.

yes i am amab. I believe i said before but understandable its hard to keep track of so many people. i medically transitioned for a few years but for many reasons i stopped. its been almost a year detransitioned now. i could go into it but maybe another time.

even though what I planned didn't work out, and I was literally too terrified to speak because I've literally never told anyone anything about sexuality or gender issues aside from medical professionals so I couldn't do it there. But that ended up leading to me going to their bingo event at gay bar a different day. That was way way out my comfort zone and I decided last minute because I thought when driving home, I'm literally going to kms in a few weeks I truly have nothing to lose. I was little afraid but eventually felt a little better as night went on.

Sounds like dysphoria is hitting you like an anvil, Anon... Do you often feel this way?

is it dysphoria or reverse dysphoria?
And yes constantly it seems
Rarely does it go away
this masking

Are protein shakes good for the munchies??

i made the dumplings yesterday (it took forever lol), and my mum really liked them. she left most for today, and told me she was thinking about them all day. that shocked the hell out of me. i think i'm very happy about that. i should really make more of them. cooking can be stressful but it's also pretty fun...
i agonised a lot more over the fillings for my dad's ones. he's not going to get them until... idk when. he's been asking to meet up and stuff so i sent those instead, kind of.
i tried those a long time ago on a low calorie diet and they made me hungry as fuck after i think. taste good though. blending with ice for a milkshake would work too i bet.
i used to do that with coffee. ice and a bit of salt. it becomes creamy somehow, and it's filling.
anyway you should try and see how it works for yourself.

Had one more post in the works but I need a break. Gonna post what I had and call it a night. More replies tomorrow!
Oh hell yes, thank you for sharing, Anon!
Gosh I wish I had an oven in this place. No matter, I will move within the year anyway I guess. Sorry to hear it didn't live quite up to your hopes but on paper it sounds great, a salty and savory bread. I have some olives I need to use up, gosh they would be nice in bread.

How often do you get to express yourself freely/girlmode?

Can I ask something silly?

No fun allowed, business inquiries only. (Kidding)

How do you generally feel about physical affection

Physical affection is great and I am ridiculously stereotypically European about giving and receiving it if people are up for it. I love a good hug.

and do you have plushies?

an embarrassing amount of them. picrel is Icebat
Design, branding, and craftsmanship has always fascinated me, whether it be for toys, water bottles, or cinematography. Form and function and all of that.

becomes creamy somehow

I think there is something about the pectins in coffee being able to aid in the creation of an emulsion between the oil and the water but I cant quite remember. Those dumplings sound like they must have been great by the way! What did you put in them?
You have my sympathy, I know firsthand the pain of ovenless living. Never again.
Olive bread sounds so good too though. I guess you could always make a pan bread instead. That usually plays well with savoury.

Sorry to hear it didnt live quite up to your hopes

Heh it’s fine. I think I might cut off the top and coat it in chocolate because it’s actually quite enjoyable as a non-savoury bread :)

Good night

cute bat

If that were the case many physics PhDs I know would be out of a job, don't you worry

Fair but I'd rather focus on keeping my head down and making some cash rather than drawing attention to myself in a small town.
A counsellor I spoke to suspected I have Asd or something.

Oh? You like, zone out? I guess it's better than my anxiety and fussing at least, kek. I don't know if it helps to hear but I'm 32, a postdoc currently working abroad (still in Europe)

Yeah I day dream most of my time away.

Just sou you have a general idea what shapes my pov

I see, I got a better idea now.

That's already great I think!

Yeah it's not the worst but I think I need to up my game this month.

Do you feel like something

I think I just have mild performance anxiety.

Is it just a matter of getting the stuff or is there another limitation? Time, money, space..

Drawing, gaming and talking with friends was more practical when I had a desktop computer setup and wifi.

I can chat online but I really REALLY miss being able to draw digitally (I wanna practice more so I can do commissions and stuff in a few years from now).

In my experience? Just.. bookkeeping. Think about it, a home is basically just a set of walls to keep the weather outside and the warmth inside. Everything about it needs semi-regular maintenance or has a running cost attached

I see, should I start getting all the relevant costs documents together on my laptop then?
I can ask my father and grandfather about proper procedures for it too, I think.

she's very picky so it was just mushrooms and cheese, with some salt & pepper. for the others, the main parts were: cauliflower, scotch bonnets, and coconut; edamame, curd, and spring onions.
also... i think i our result on that big five test were extremely similar lol, if you're that anon. just mentioning that randomly because i'm (you)ing you anyway.

I never girlmode
Ever. Not even “crossdressing” at any point. It’s cringe imo
Idk anymore, I just want this to stop.

There will always be laundry, dishes, food running out or spoiling, dust, shower gel running low, appliances breaking, bulbs needing replacement.. Your number one goal in all of this is to not go insane.

I guess it's best to keep it as simple as possible.

That means working out a method that, for anxious types at least, has a clear cut "not now" thought terminating reaction attached. Dishes I do every time I walk past or into the kitchen. I made it a habit. Hence I never have much in terms of dirty dishes. Laundry? Sunday or Saturday. No other day, so it's out of my mind

Makes sense.

Are you often on your own?

Yes
I see myself as a guy still
Maybe that’s just my gd
But I don’t feel anything. Everything feels like lies and I can’t quite shake that feeling.
Maybe I’ve had enough of this experiment. And it’s time to move on. I thought of it so many times. I don’t know what I want anymore.

good evening

Trash is my nemesis since I can't do it based on triggers or weekly intervals. It accumulates without any good patterns and I don't like yeeting half full bags. In general I run on habits for the most part because I SUCK at time tables. Some are good at that, def not me. I build my life around triggers

I sorta do the same thing with my own triggers.
I neaten up my room after showering so I can be sure I can put away stuff easier after I wake up and get ready for the day.

I should thank you on his behalf

Mushrooms and cheese does sound pretty yummy to be real, as simple as it is.
Oh and, ah lol, no that wasn’t me, I think it might have been venting-trip-anon off trip but I’m not sure. Maybe I should take it too for fun but I bet it’d be quite different.

I think my issue has been to assume I’m anything like a trans girl
Men can take hrt abd I think that’s all I am and doing the opposite didn’t help
Ok
I fixed it.
I’m just a man who likes the effects of hrt. Maybe that’s trans but I’m not a woman lol. Oh well.