I hate my bpd tranny life

mtf

meet amazing amab enby

start dating

they become my favorite person in the world, completely obsessed with them

but i constantly have these mentally ill episodes, weekly at first

delusionally convince myself that they're going to leave me, that they don't think i'm attractive, that they hate me, that they're using me

any little thing they do wrong, any little issue i have with how they word something confirms it and i explode in rage and sadness

they tell me i definitely have bpd and start helping me get therapy which doesn't do anything

they start dating someone else too, we're poly now

just a new insecurity to add to the pile, another fear and another way to set me off whenever it feels like they're giving her more attention than me

after a while it's too much for them, the enby dumps me

their new gf doesnt even want to talk to me anymore, previously we had been friends

my entire world is falling apart

but enby says we can be friends and maybe even get back together if i get treatment and stop having abusive episodes

so far managed to get meds but having a hard time enrolling for DBT or anything, doctors keep telling me im just depressed and dont have BPD

is there any hope for me at all. i feel like everything is doomed. its like i fell into a black hole and theres no way out. the only reason i havent killed myself is i still believe i can maybe get back together with them which is a total joke, right? it's never going to happen. nobody will ever love me again.

you got together with a poly theymab yourself deal with it

they sound fucking evil, they fed into your insecurities and then used that as an excuse to dump you

i love them. they were the most amazing person in the world. they were so caring and loved me so much, i'm the problem not them

So the bpd was real
Hate to say it but they will probably get back together with you if you attempt suicide

do you really think that would work?

Poly shit literally never works, people need to stop falling for it.

i liked the gf too so i thought it would be ok...i thought we were best friends. now she thinks im a fucking psycho and shes scared of me

Women's friendships rapidly erode when they're into the same guy. The minute you were competing for attention, you weren't a friend, you were a rival.

what do i do then what the FUCK am i supposed to do i cant fucking live like this I NEED THEM BACK I NEED THEM I DONT HAVE ANYBODY LEFT

A better therapist it sounds like.

i cant even afford it. i barely have any money left i spent so much on them. i mustve spent 10,000 dollars on them. that was supposed to be my ffs money before i met them. ill probably lose my job because i can barely get out of bed anymore

amab enby

ohhhh boy i know where this is going

we're poly now

yup

the enby dumps me

uh huh
congrats OP you just learned enbies are universally narcissistic cunts

I can't make it better, anon, all I can tell you is that he took advantage of you and that you deserve better. You deserve that ffs, you deserve that competent therapist that'll medicate your BPD, and you deserve a better boyfriend. Your life isn't over because of a shit breakup, just think about how you're free to find someone who won't use you now.

im a complete shutin. they met me out of nowhere, it was like fate. i thought we were soulmates. how am i ever going to find anybody else when i cant even go outside except to work

they didnt use me. they always told me i was spending too much and i didnt have to. but i loved them and i wanted to make them happy...

I mean yeah he sounds like a fag, but you sound like an insufferable cunt. No wonder he found someone else, anyone would if they had any sense. Just leave the poor dude alone.

do you have like DID or something

i know. youre right. im fucking evil.

i dont know. nobody will diagnose me with anything. why do you think i have that

I'm sorry but I'm really not buying that the amab enby is the good one here. People like us get told we have BPD as soon as we show any emotions or get upset with actually abusive behaviour. Especially if therapists are telling you you don't have BPD then I highly suspect the amab enby was abusing you and you just have such low self esteem that you believe you're a monster (which is common for trannies, especially younger ones who haven't had decades of this shit happen to them). Especially the poly stuff sounds like everything you suspected was actually true.

You can choose to be a better person by letting this person be happy with their new girlfriend.

idk. i think the reason i cant get a diagnosis is because i live in NZ and everybody just wants me to go to a psychiatrist instead. i got a GP to prescribe me antidepressants but theyre getting me in and out of the room as fast as possible every time, theyre basically finishing my sentences for me. my psychologist isnt allowed to prescribe anything or diagnose me with anything. i dont even have a fucking diagnosis of depression.
the wait time to see a psychiatrist is massive. i cant even pay for it privately.

because you become a demon sometimes but are okay other times. i didn't think that throuh because im retarded

like i literally just spent yesterday getting passed around by doctors all of them telling me i dont qualify for any programs because i have no diagnosis, none of them had any idea how i could even get a diagnosis. one of them literally gave me a suicide hotline card and sent me home. after a 4 hour wait i finally got in to see a gp who gave me drugs and said i should find a psychiatrist to manage it, again no referral or anything.

idk what im even supposed to do. im retarded at the best of times so idk

WHY do you think your ex is qualified to diagnose you with BPD when your psychologist and GPs aren't?? I can pretty much guarantee you that your ex just picked that shit up on Instagram or whatever and is now using it to shame and control others. You don't have BPD just because some asshole said so. I'm sure you're mentally ill, just like almost all trans girls, but jumping straight to a personality disorder is fucking retarded. Don't believe normal people when they talk about something as complex and difficult to understand as psychiatric diagnoses.
This person is clearly bad for you either way and you should avoid them. I know it's hard when you still have feelings but that's normal.
Also, and I'm not saying this to be mean, but do you have any friends? You need friends you can talk to about this stuff. Anyone will go crazy in a bad relationship if they have no one to talk to outside of the relationship so they can get an outside perspective. If all you have to go on is your own memory and things the other person tells you it's extremely easy to manipulate and abuse you. You need friends, even joining a discord server where you can vent from time to time could be enough. I'll be your friend if nothing else works for you. But you need people to talk to about this drama. Especially if you can't afford a therapist.

WHY do you think your ex is qualified to diagnose you with BPD when your psychologist and GPs aren't?

i dont. i think gps and psychologists think its a psychiatrists' job to diagnose me so they don't want to do it. like i said they all just wanted to get me out ASAP so they could deal with more urgent patients because i wasnt an imminent suicide risk when i went in for help. which would be fine except that the mental health system is overloaded so there's no way for me to see a psychiatrist that i can find and they all seem pretty aware of that but dont care or dont have any solutions. like i said they wouldnt even diagnose me with depression.

i think my ex is right that i have BPD because when i look at the dsm i check almost all of the boxes

Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment (Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behaviour covered in Criterion 5)

A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterised by alternating

between extremes of idealisation and devaluation

Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self

Recurrent suicidal behaviour, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behaviour

Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g. intense episodic dysphoria, irritability or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)

Chronic feelings of emptiness

constant anger, recurrent physical fights)

Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms

that's like 8 of the 9 diagnostic criteria and i do ALL of that shit. the only thing i dont meet is im not usually that impulsive and i can mostly control myself at work

can you send me a video of you farting please

If all it took to diagnose someone is to go through the DSM criteria like a checklist then psychologists and psychiatrists wouldn't have to train for like 8 years before they get their license. Maybe you do actually have BPD but thinking this because of your ex and the DSM criteria is fucking retarded. Lots of people can fit DSM criteria for a bunch of psychiatric diagnoses but that doesn't mean they actually have it.
Idk what it's like in your country but in most countries a GP just isn't qualified to make a psychiatric diagnosis, especially not one as serious as a personality disorder.
And also, you can exhibit symptoms of a personality disorder without actually having a personality disorder you know that right? Just like with physical illnesses just because you googled your symptoms and they match the symptoms of some rare cancer doesn't mean you actually have cancer.

idk what your point even is because im trying to see a psychiatrist ive said that like 15 times
if i went through that process and they said i dont have it it would be different

My point is you shouldn't assume you have a personality disorder until a specialist tells you you don't have it, instead you should assume you don't have it until a specialist actually diagnoses you with one

that seems like stupid fucking advice
when you feel sick you go to the dr and get checked

Yes but you don't act like you're going to die of cancer within the next few weeks until a doctor actually diagnoses you with cancer and tells you you will die soon. There's a difference

I got in a relationship with one of the most despicable demographics

it went to shit

im freaking the fuck out because my ex said they wont see me again without treatment so i want treatment as fast as possible because if i do have bpd i know that takes a long time and every day without them feels like needles in my eyes

Or maybe you got abused by a poly amab enby (which is more likely than having BPD) and got brainwashed into believing you're the problem for wanting to be treated like a human being

no I abused THEM. its not even close. its not even in question
i would literally once a week or more explode at them over nothing. it could be something like they didnt call me when they were out. or they didnt want to fuck me when i was drunk. or they didnt want me to start crying and apologizing for my last freakout in front of our friends when we were hanging out when they had already forgiven me and nobody even brought it up. or they went out with their other gf while i was at work which we all agreed on so that we would have as much time together as possible.

none of that shit is a normal reaction. its definitely not a normal reaction for me to be berating them for hours on end about it and then to break down in guilt and get suicidal after it ends and i realize what i was just doing when my senses come back

meet amazing amab enby

start dating

stopped reading here

sage

doctors are such complete shit
they never want to diagnose bpd when it seems so many of you have it.
otoh, I think the appropriate treatment for bpd is the woodchipper.
iykyk

I used to be like this and it only got better when I stepped back and stopped trying to feed it. No matter if you have bpd or not you're trying to complete yourself with other people which, if not overtly destructive, is still preventing you from being able to emotionally regulate which harms all aspects of your life. If you jump back into a relationship without figuring out how to feel secure in your own skin this pattern will repeat itself, guaranteed. Except this time it'll hurt more and you'll be more desperate because you've seen how it ends. What it took for me was taking a break from dating for a year so I could relearn how to enjoy my own presence. Is that excruciating? Absolutely. But being doomed to implode any relationship you enter is way more painful. It really doesn't matter how saintlike or abusive the other party is. Everyone wants time to themself, and if they don't you should run.

t. bpd diagnosed 22yo mtf

i've been abused by people with bpd, i feel like i have a good grasp on it. the DSM isn't a holy scripture and there's a lot more context in it besides just a list of symptoms.
to be honest, just going off of this thread, you don't really sound like you have bpd. you do sound like you have severe low self esteem and, yes, you probably also have depression. the fact that you're a 'complete shutin' doesn't help. did you socialise much throughout life?
turning your relationship """poly""" is practically setting yourself up for the worst time of your life when you have low self esteem. stick to monogamy. your ex armchair diagnosed you because he's a cunt and wanted to write off your feelings.

just so you know. there's no actual treatment for bpd, the therapy is bullshit and won't cure you of it. all seeking this specific diagnosis will do is put an ugly mark on your record for the rest of your life. exhaust your other options before you stop at bpd. a lot of things look like bpd on the surface.

what have your past relationships looked like op?

the therapy is bullshit and won't cure you of it

actually i don't like how i worded this, the therapy itself isn't bullshit but people act like it does more for bpd than it actual does. it's like ABA therapy for them, it corrects behaviors it doesnt get rid of the underlying issue. they still feel their feelings, they just learn to not put themselves into a cycle.

i've heard DBT can also be good for non-bpd people. do you actually need a diagnosis to access it wehre you live?

A big chunk of it was sitting with feeling desolate for a few months and letting myself acclimatize to ordinary experiences. The thing about unstable romance is that the highs are as extreme as the lows, its like a drug addiction but your drug is people. Just like drugs it makes your tolerance for joy skyrocket. For a while I felt desolate and incomplete and even stuff I previously liked didn't feel right but as time went on it slowly got easier and I got more joy out of music and vidya and hanging out with platonic friends and etc.

Once out of the initial rut I started pursuing traits that I like/value in other people.

I.e. I started being more affectionate bc I like that in others. I think creative types are cool so I experimented with drawing, writing, woodcarving, piano, and a few others. Only the woodcarving stuck. I think people in shape are hot, who would've thought, so I started doing yoga and taking walks to get muscle tone.

I guess I'm turning myself into someone I would be attracted to, for lack of better wording. Really this metric in itself isn't that important but its cheap and fast introspection so I use it. Whats important is finding hobbies and behaviors that fulfill you and make you feel good about yourself, only looking inward can tell you what those are.

cont.

In the moment awareness, for diffusing separation anxiety, sudden intense mood spikes of anger/sorrow/fear, etc, is a skill much harder to put into words because when you're in it you're *in it*. Part of getting good at dealing with those was pure experience, unhelpful I know, but those 'holy shit what if my friend, who as always been nice to me, secretly hates me' or 'i was fine two minutes ago but now I think all of my life has amounted to nothing' moments get easier to dismantle with time and sheer exposure. Trust me. Knowing you're prone to getting them in the first place helps a ton. They also got notably less intense when I started focusing on fitness. From what I understand the brain has a hard time telling apart physical and mental pain so getting used to physical stress also helps you deal with mental stress.