What does it mean when someone asks you why you're sad, you explain it to them, and they say "change your outlook, your life is better than other peoples"
What does it mean when someone asks you why you're sad, you explain it to them, and they say "change your outlook...
it means you're womanbrained for thinking that you were supposed to answer honestly instead of bottling it up and developing unhealthy coping mechanisms
Then why did they even ask how I was?!
You may have different local cultural standards where you live but in the west, people ask how are you as a way of saying hello. If you look sad, and they say so, they're trying to help you out by pointing out that you're showing weakness. You're supposed to be like "oh I'm just tired" and they go "why" and you say something normie and disarming like "I was up watching DA BIG GAME last night" or "I was very excited about my new comic book franchise vidya I ordered". Whatever you do, the WRONG answer is how you're really feeling, or why you're really depressed.
Yeah it fuckin sucks but it is what it is. In order to have friends you need to keep a certain distance otherwise you just scare everyone away.
Holy fucking shit, why are people like this. It makes no sense, its normal to experince emotions and normal to share them, why these strange rules. How are you, whoops this is too real, time to disengage. I hate how strange people are
You may have different local cultural standards where you live but in the west, people ask how are you as a way of saying hello. If you look sad, and they say so, they're trying to help you out by pointing out that you're showing weakness. You're supposed to be like "oh I'm just tired" and they go "why" and you say something normie and disarming like "I was up watching DA BIG GAME last night" or "I was very excited about my new comic book franchise vidya I ordered". Whatever you do, the WRONG answer is how you're really feeling, or why you're really depressed.
this is not quite correct. you don't need the "oh i'm just tired" line, you can in fact say "[sports team] lost last night" as the reason you're sad and the NPC will commiserate with you. you get the response OP got whenever you show signs of actually caring about something real, because zombies instinctively attack non-zombies that don't outrank them. the person OP was talking to is hollowed out enough that they can't even really attack beyond mild social reprimand but that's the intent.
if you are autistic enough not to implicitly understand why people would ask how you are but not expect a complete explanation of your emotional status, then you are probably also too autistic to realize how important it is that we do it that way. if every time you asked "how are you" you received a full and honest answer, you would be fucking running for your life from every single human being you ever saw in fear of yet another life story being dumped in your lap.
we ask "how are you" to get a rough check on someone so we know what to expect from them, not to learn every nuance of their life.
on the rare occasion that it is appropriate to talk more authentically about your emotional status, the onus is still on the speaker, the one sharing, to do the majority of the work in helping themselves. the listener may offer a generic platitude, usually as an energy-conserving way to point the speaker in the right direction, like . the listener is also probably going to offer sympathy and a little bit of empathetic concern. occasionally, the listener may have more targeted advice or be able to offer something materially useful to the speaker, but that shouldn't be expected by the speaker, generally.
people just don't have the bandwidth or energy to listen to or address every single fucking thing that you're thinking
they aren't emotionless dead-eyed zombies, as seems to imagine
they aren't "npcs"
you just aren't the main character in their life.
it means
1: that you should call them out for fallacy of relative privation. Other people have a worse day does not invalidate you having a bad day
2: theyve probably been bottling io their emotions fot ablibg timr and it's turning into cancer or something
OP here, it wasnt a casual "hi, how are you?"
It was "why are you sad, open up to me"
Thanls anon, i will tell them about that fallacy
OP wasn't asked "how are you"
OP was asked "why are you sad"
these are different questions both in literal meaning and in context. one is part of a script in which a complex explanation isn't really called for and you can just say something vague like "i've been worse" if you don't want to lie and say "fine". if they actually want to know more they'll ask, if not they'll continue with the script.
the other is an actual request for information.
still applies, more or less
you received your platitude. there is value in every platitude, as annoying as it may be for the uninitiated to decipher it. the person who listened to you suggested that you reframe your thinking and try to be more appreciative of what's going right in your life, and try to be appreciative of what isn't going wrong. is that helpful? i don't know. not every listener, even ones who care very much, will have useful answers for you. sometimes people aren't equipped to handle the gravity of the other's emotions, but they care enough to ask anyway, and then care enough to try to offer something, anything, though often the wrong thing.
OP wasn't asked "how are you"
you'll notice i responded not to OP, but to someone else
but you're also right
"how are you" is very different usually from "what's wrong? are you okay? do you want to talk about it?"
but it's still important to remember that even a concerned person has a limited amount of energy and expertise to offer.
Its disingenuous and dismissive, im not going be pathetically grateful i was dismissed. Id rather people were honest. And i dont expect anyone to solve my problems, no one can solve them, but why bother asking then being dismissive, its bizarre and counter intuitive because now i feel worse.
you asked what it means. i never suggested you grovel. if you want better responses, speak to better people. i don't find "change your outlook" to be a very useful piece of advice, but it is at least a piece of advice. no one owes you honesty, nor do they owe you the requisite time to listen to your troubles. if i, as your listener in this context, were to offer you a piece of advice, it would be to be humble and appreciative of what others do for you, even if it isn't particularly helpful.
Your outlook is a shit. Change it.
What do you mean "owe"? What a strange passife aggressive comment.
Someone asked me to open up, i did, they said spmething dismissive which i didnt understand. Why bother asking me in the first place?
I dont expect anything from anyone, no one is nice or decent, so i dont think im "owed" anything but at the same time i dont like being treated badly, its rude to ask someone to open up, then punish them for doing as asked. Anyways thanks for your input
wtf no, asking "how are you" is an invitation to withdraw somewhere and spend the next five hours oversharing all the most personal private and even gross details of both of your lives. what planet are you living on?
Normal people froth at the mouth if they have to explain all the arbitrary social etiquette they do to anyone (they likely do it automatically and get upset that you dont just intuit it). I suggest just not talking to the person again if they are that shitty. Also, if you are autistic, look up thin slice judgements in that context. They are more likely to dislike you even from a couple seconds glance, I generally dont speak to any allistic people if I can help it.
it may come across as passive aggression, but it's an important thing to keep in mind. it's probably the wisest concept someone ever shared with me, that no one deserves anything. i repeat it often, because it did a lot to unravel my own self-loathing and soften my expectations of myself and of others. i don't mean for it to seem chastising.
if i were to guess, i would think that that person asked you from a place of genuine concern, found themselves unable to meaningfully assist you, and threw the first semi-relevant bit of advice they could think of your way in an attempt to be at least somewhat helpful. i obviously wasn't there and i don't know this person or you, but if they didn't seem overtly uninterested, then that would be my guess.
perspective of an avoidant cis guy, i guess
maybe there's really something to this fembrained shit huh
I think i should eat something to cheer myself up
Me learning why I have no friends and am shitty to talk to at 33 after missing all opportunities to be correctly socialize. *sigh* at least I can entertain myself usually.
People are very quick to dismiss for even the most minor infraction.
I find people very strange
as an avoidant cis guy
Oh thanks for admitting that, this makes me feel better now. Men live in a cruel emotionless plane of total stoic isolation so understandably the rules of the road are probably a little different for women.
People present it as easier than it actually is if you have a mental illness or something adjacent, in my experience. Not everyone can just make friends easily or at all.
That requires keeping track of sportsball enough to know how lost last night though, which is a misery in and of itself.
ludicrous display last night
this is fucking gay and I reject it entirely
He is a robot, so he's upset at you for not being one. It's a very common reaction.
they probably wanted to feel good but felt overwhelmed once you told them what was wrong
its insensitive and invalidating
was it a man?
they are usually insensitive and logical
he probably thought it would make you feel better to check your privilege
if it was a woman she was probably jealous and intentionally trying to hurt you. cisf know how to get under your skin to cause pain. beware they sense your vulnerability and get you to open up only to hurt you
because they want to act like they care when they don't :p
cisf know how to get under your skin to cause pain. beware they sense your vulnerability and get you to open up only to hurt you
Holy shit you speak from experience. Its crap, isnt it
i'm not a robot i promise ;_;
was it a man?
they are usually insensitive and logical
he probably thought it would make you feel better to check your privilege
And to answer your question, it was a man. I know men are problem solvers and can barely tolerate emotions but, maybe he just wanted to kill the conversation dead becaue it has lol
yes i have 2 sisters and countless tiny little betrayals like that from others and i saw some other anons talking about similar experiences here the other day too
since it was a man he may have been genuinely just totally unaware that he was being insensitive and actually thought that was something that would help you to cheer up by focusing on the positives, and trying to be grateful for what you have. most men arent good at being able to relate with and offer emotional support. i wouldnt take it personally and try not to hold a grudge but also try to find someone else who you can lean on for emotional support when you need it
My mom and sister also betrayed me in a very bad way, i no longer talk to them at all
i'm sorry anon, that's heartbreaking
"change your outlook, your life is better than other peoples"
What do they mean by this? Feel lucky you're not a starving African or a middle eastern child bride?
Thanks for the kind words. Means a lot
Yeah its weird, i regret talking to him, because it made me feel worse
Thank you everyone that posted, i appreciate it